Ghost of You
by PurpleProbie22
Summary: Katniss doesn't have the berries with her at the ending of the 74th Annual Hunger Games. She is torn between saving the boy with the bread and coming home to her family. "Do it, Katniss. I have nothing to lose." She shakes her head, "But I do, Peeta." How will she deal with the guilt of killing the boy who was in love with her? And why does she keep seeing his ghost? [AU]
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is an AU fic of what would've happened in the arena if Katniss hadn't had the nightlock berries with her. I know the idea is sort of overused, but I'm still not afraid to do my shot, and I hope you all will like it. I took a few sentences from the actual book in the beginning, but I didn't necessarily copy-paste the whole thing, of course. I might've made a few grammatical errors because English isn't my first language, so I sincerely apologize for any mistakes I made here. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games—the character, the books, or even the movie.**

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><p><em>I will never let you fall<br>I'll stand up with you forever  
>I'll be there for you through it all<br>Even if saving you sends me to heaven_

"Your Guardian Angel" - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

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><p>It takes a few moments to find Cato in the dim light, in the blood. Then the raw hunk of meat that used to be my enemy makes a sound, and I know where his mouth is. And I think the word he's trying to say is <em>please<em>.

_Please, kill me now. Please, make it stop. I just want to die. You both can win and live happily ever after, I don't care. Just kill me._

Pity, not vengeance, sends my arrow flying into his skull. Peeta pulls me back up, bow in hand, quiver empty.

"Did you get him?" he whispers.

The cannon fires in answer.

"Then we won, Katniss," he says hollowly.

"Hurray for us," I get out, but there's no joy of victory in my voice.

Somehow, we make it back to the lake, letting them take Cato's body with the hovercraft. I scoop up a handful of the cold water for Peeta and bring a second to my lips.

A mockingjay gives the long, low whistle, and tears of relief fill my eyes as the hovercraft appears and takes Cato's body away. Now they will take us. Now we can go home.

But again there's no response.

"What are they waiting for?" says Peeta.

"I don't know," I say. I get up to find my arrow that bounced off Cato's body armor. As I stoop to pick it up, Claudius Templesmith's voice booms into the arena.

"Greetings to the final contestants of the Seventy-fourth Hunger Games. The earlier revision has been revoked. Closer examination of the rule book has disclosed that only one winner may be allowed," he says. "Good luck and may the odds be ever in your favor."

I stare at Peeta in disbelief. Our eyes widen as we realize that they never intended to let us both live. We were so stupid to even believe that they would let two victors in this game.

"Well… what a surprise," Peeta mutters sarcastically, making it to his feet. His hand travels to his belt, pulling the knife out and holds it out toward me.

Before I am even aware of my actions, my bow is loaded with the arrow pointed straight at his heart.

He stares at me, eyebrows raised, the knife gripped in his hand tightly. I can't read him from his eyes, but I swear I see a glimpse of mixed emotion—anger, desperation, exhaustion, and surrender. Just a second before I decided to shoot at his heart, he lets go of his knife.

It falls into the lake, splashing the water all over his feet. I take a step back, still holding my bow and the arrow that's still pointed at his heart. I don't know what to do, now that for real, only one of us can get out of this hell alive. Should I just kill him and go home? Or should I stab my own heart with the arrow and let him be the victor?

Who will be the victor? Who will be the last to die in this arena tonight? I don't know.

I don't want to kill him.

I owe him a _lot_ of things. He once saved my life with the loaves of bread he gave me. He let me go home alive. He let me feed my family. He let _us _live. And isn't it inappropriate to pay him back by sticking my arrow in his chest?

But I still want to live. I want to see Prim, my mother, and Gale and his family. If I die today, who else is going to keep my family from starving? Gale has his own family to deal with, I can't make him worry about my family too.

And what if my death will crush my mother like when my father died? Who's going to take care of Prim?

Only one of us can be the winner. It's either _me_ or Peeta.

It's all in my hand now. Peeta won't kill me. He's weaponless, he has nothing but his bare hands, and he can't kill me without a weapon because I have one. It is me who needs to make a choice. I have a bow and an arrow, I'm ready to kill. Kill him, or kill myself. But I can't do either of those. I can't kill him. I can't kill me. Faking my love or not, I still want both of us to live.

"Just do it, Katniss," he says, loud enough for me to hear. He sounds so weak. He has lost too much blood. I realize I have three choices now. Kill him with my arrow, kill _myself_ with my arrow, or let him be, let him die of bloodloss, and go home alive as a victor.

And the third choice is not an option for me. I can't just sit there and watch him die slowly and painfully. I don't have the heart to do that while I wait for his cannon to fire.

"Go ahead, Katniss. It's okay."

_No, Peeta_, _it's not okay. I can't kill you, not after all the things you've done for me_.

"No," I say. "No, no, no, no. I can't." I shake my head furiously and throw the bow away from me. "I can't!"

"You have to!" Peeta insists. He makes his way toward me and grabs my shoulders, gripping them and shaking me, as if wanting to snap some sense into me. "You will live, Katniss. You will _not_ die, not here, not now, okay? Kill me!"

"Are you crazy?" I shriek. "I can't kill you! I will _not_ kill you!"

"Just do it, Katniss, I want it. I want to die. I want you to win," he leans forward and kisses my dry lips softly. He's only making it harder for me to kill him. He pulls away and lowers down to pick up my weapons and thrusts it back into my hands. "Shoot me. Before the mutts come back or something—I don't want to die like Cato."

I shove the weapons back and glare at him, "Then _you_ shoot me! You shoot me and go home and live with it!"

He lets out a humorless laugh, "You know I can't use bow and arrows." And then he sighs deeply. "Katniss… just… do it. I'm okay with it."

"I don't want you to die, Peeta. I want us both live. Or… or I die and you live. I don't want to kill you."

He buries his face in my hair and murmurs into my ear, "Think of it, Katniss. Think of Prim and your mother. They both need you. They can't live without you. Don't you want to see their faces again? And… and Gale. He needs you too. You're going to hurt him… _them_… if you die instead of me," he starts to babble about home, about how much he loves me and that he doesn't want me to die for him.

_And you think I haven't thought about it_, a voice in my head says.

And then I think of the berries. Nightlock berries. The ones that kill Foxface by accident. I pull away from his embrace and look around the arena.

"Katniss, what are you doing?" Peeta says. He falls to his knees and just sits there while I try to find the berries. It must be here, somewhere among the bushes. I have to find it.

Minutes pass as I thrash around the bushes, and as the clock ticks Peeta get weaker and weaker.

Where are those berries? I need them. I can't take it anymore. It's the only way to end these games.

"Katniss… don't… the berries… no…" Peeta says weakly. I didn't realize I was thinking _that_ loud.

Finally, I give up. I can't find the berries anywhere. I drop on my knees in front of Peeta, tears now threatening to fall down from my eyes.

"Peeta… I don't want you to die," I whisper. "I don't want to kill you. I can't… I can't let you die." Because if he dies, a part of me will die with him.

I didn't realize I was already crying until Peeta's thumb brushes softly against my cheek, wiping away the tears. "I love you, Katniss," _Oh_, I think_, he's still keeping the act_, "I don't want to be alive if you're not. I can't live without you."

"Then the feeling is mutual!" I say. "Do you think I want to live knowing that I was the one who took away your life? I don't want to live with guilt, Peeta!"

"You don't have to feel guilty. This is what I want."

"You can't leave me here alone," I argue.

He smiles sadly, "You're not alone. You have your family. And you have _him_."

_Gale_. I still have Gale. And maybe, if I live, someday I will change my mind about not wanting to fall in love and have kids. Maybe someday I will marry him, I will have a life with him, with little kids with dark hair and grey eyes. Maybe someday I will move on over Peeta's death. And he knows damn well I will move on eventually, because I can.

"You won't be alone," he cups my face in his hands and kisses me. Once, twice, again and again and again. I kiss him back and I can't stop. But soon he stops and I fall into his chest and he wraps his arms around me. I don't care if the whole citizen of Panem are watching us cry together, pitying ourselves. We are lovers, _poor_, star-crossed lovers who can't do anything against The Capitol's will.

Finally, he pulls away and stands up to grab my weapons and takes my hand, ordering me to stand up. And soon, the weapons are back in my hands. "Peeta…"

He cuts me off, "Do it, Katniss. I have nothing to lose."

I shake my head, "But I do, Peeta. If you die… then I have to lose you. I don't want to have to lose you."

"You know I love you, Katniss," he kisses me once again. "It's okay. You'll be alright." _You'll move on_.

I close my eyes as the tears start falling down again. "I love you, too, Peeta."

I don't know if it was for the audience, or if both of us really did mean it, especially myself. To be honest, I wasn't thinking when I let those words slip through my lips. But that doesn't matter, whether I actually have been loving him the whole time or not. In a few seconds, he will be gone, and our _love_ won't matter anymore.

Slowly, he takes a few steps back, and my arrow is already pointed at his heart again. I stare at him one last time, even if it hurts. His mouth seems to form a word, something similar to the word "please", just like what Cato was trying to say before I shot him. But I can't be sure, because my vision is blurred with tears.

I think he nods and gives me a sad smile.

This is it. This is the last time I will ever see him. I hate myself for letting the Capitol win, for letting them do this to me, but what else can I do? If I decide to rebel against them by doing some stunts too keep both of us alive, more lives are gonna be at stake. Not only Peeta's will be taken away, but maybe also mine, or even our families', and I can't let that happen. This is the risk that I have to take, sacrificing one life for many others (and I'm sure Peeta understands it, too), and I remind myself repeatedly that I am here to protect Prim, not Peeta, and as selfish as it is, it's true. My goal wasn't to keep Peeta beside me for my personal needs of affection, though now I think I need him more than I had wanted to.

I close my eyes, and my arrow flies. After a few moments of deafening silence, the cannon fires.

I drop to my knees and bury my head in my hands as I hear the voice of Claudius Templesmith.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to present the victor of the Seventy-fourth Hunger Games, our tribute from District Twelve, Katniss Everdeen!"


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Reading your feedbacks is making me want to write more. So here it is, I'm continuing the story as a multi-chapter fiction. Thanks for all those who reviewed the first chapter, you all made my day. Btw, I edited a few things in the first chap, you might want to re-read it but it's okay though, if you don't want to. Oh, and I'm gonna post some kind of series/collections of drabbles and oneshots about Peetniss, maybe starting later today or tomorrow, and I'd really appreciate it if you guys wanna take a look of it(:

**Disclaimer: I disclaim.**

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><p><em>These wounds won't seem to heal<br>This pain is just too real  
>There's just too much that time cannot erase<em>

"My Immortal" - Evanescence

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><p><em>Liar. Traitor. Killer. Murderer. Monster.<em>

Those words seem to fit me perfectly, ringing in my ears over and over again. My head feels dizzy and the lights around me seem so blinding. I want to move. I want to stand up and scream and curse at the Capitol. I want to show them how much I hate them for making me do this, for turning me into a liar, a traitor, a killer, a murderer, a monster. I want to cry for those who died in the arena. For those who was killed so early in the bloodbath. For Glimmer. For the District 1 boy. For Clove. And Cato, who was eaten alive by the mutts with the dead tributes' eyes and how he painfully stared at me, begging me to shoot my arrow to end his pain. And Rue, my little ally, my innocent little friend that reminded me of Prim—she didn't deserve to die, she was too young to die. And Thresh, who let me go without breaking my skull because I tried to protect Rue. And Foxface, who was killed accidentally by those berries that Peeta collected. Peeta… oh, Peeta…

Tears well up in my eyes and my chest tightens. I still have no energy to move, just stay curled up on the ground, refusing to open my eyes. I don't even know where I am now. Am I still in the arena? Did I really kill Peeta? Or was it all just a dream?

Maybe it was just a dream. A horrible nightmare, all these games, the interviews, the trainings, the reaping, _everything_… maybe I was just imagining it.

Everything was silence but the sound of the mockingjay whistling, signaling the hovercraft that comes to pick me up.

Or _us_.

I'm guessing there are two hovercrafts. One for me, the victor of the 74th Annual Hunger Games, and the other one for Peeta's _body_. Soon his body will be shipped back to District 12 where his family can bury him in the ground.

Within a minute, I'm already up from the ground, trapped inside the hovercraft. A few people—could be the doctors and nurses, I can't care less about them—are rushing at me, picking me up from where I curl up on the floor, placing me on a table and begin fixing me up.

One of them sticks a needle into my veins, and I fall into unconsciousness.

When I open my eyes, I'm no longer lying on the cold metal table. There are no needles stuck in my arms. No blood. No bandages. No oxygen masks. Nothing. I am wearing the same dress I wore at the reaping—mother's old blue dress. Even my hair is perfectly braided.

I'm in the meadow.

I try to find Gale, or Prim, or Mother, or _anyone _out here. I run into the woods, looking out trees after trees. But no one is here—nothing but the trees and the chirping birds. I don't even see one squirrels out here.

I stop, feeling breathless. I inhale deeply and exhale slowly, my eyes still looking around. Finally, I close my eyes. And then I hear someone calls out my name.

"Katniss! Katniss!"

"Prim!" I shout back. I turn around and find her, standing before a tree, her eyes staring up at me.

I run toward her and envelope her in my embrace. I kiss her head and stroke her blond hair over and over again.

"Katniss, where have you been? I'm scared," she cries, wrapping her arms around my neck tightly.

"I'm here, Prim. You're safe. I'm not going anywhere."

Suddenly, I feel something wet and sticky running down from Prim's back, washing my hands. I lift them up and I see blood.

"No, no no no," I gasp, pulling away from Prim's arms, only to see a little girl with dark hair and dark eyes staring at me with a painful smile on her face.

She drops onto the ground, lying on her back. Her mouth opens and closes, struggling to breathe, to speak between her unbearable pain. She stares at me with her big eyes. "K-Katniss…" and then her eyes closes. But her chest still rises slowly.

"Rue?" I croak out and kneel beside her, cupping her face in my hands. "Rue? Can you hear me?" I brushed my thumb on her cheek, forcing her to open her eyes.

"Katniss," she whispered, "look out…" her eyes stare at something behind me. I blink, and she's gone, no longer in my arms. But the blood are still there.

I call out desperately, "Rue! Prim! Where did you go?"

And when I turn around, Cato is there, holding out his hands to reach my neck and break it. I immediately throw myself backwards and swing my legs to trip him.

He falls, his head bumps into a solid rock with a thump, breaking his skull. A pool of blood is slowly forming underneath his head, making me gag. He looks at me with his now empty eyes, so lifeless, and then his chest just stops moving. He's dead. I killed him. Again.

I manage to stand up with my shaking legs. I hold onto the tree beside me so I won't fall down. And then someone touches my shoulder.

I see my father and Mr. Hawthorne.

"Goodbye, Katniss," he says, "see you later after work," he smiles, and they both turn around, half-running toward the coal mine.

And before I could stop them, the coal mine explodes, cutting their bodies into bits. I'm once again thrown backwards, a pain shoots through my spine. Weirdly, the explosion didn't touch me at all. I'm perfectly fine, without any cuts or bruises or burnt flesh.

I close my eyes for a moment, trying to understand what the hell is happening right now. Why do I keep seeing people around me get killed?

When I open my eyes, the remains of the coal mine is gone, as if it wasn't even there before I blinked.

But instead, I see my mom, holding Prim's hand who's standing beside her. The both stand there staring at me. I stand up and walk toward them, but then Mom holds Prim closer and takes a step back.

"You're a killer. You shouldn't be near us," she says quietly.

Now Prim's crying. "He never did anything bad to you, Katniss," she sobs, "he was nice, really nice to me. He gave me cookies with primroses on them. He was a good person, Katniss," she buries her face in my mom's waist. Mom instantly wraps her arms around Prim, protecting her from me. "He didn't deserve to die!"

Peeta. She's talking about Peeta.

I killed Peeta.

"Catnip," says a voice behind me. "Didn't you once told me he saved your life with the bread? Why couldn't you save him now? I can't believe how selfish you really are."

_Gale. No. Don't do this to me._

"I trusted you, Katniss," Madge's soft voice sounds so hollow. "He loved you, and you chose to kill him with your arrow, like he was just another squirrel you're going to trade with his father." I turn around to face her. She points straight at my chest, where the mockingjay pin magically appears. "Did you know that the pin belonged to my aunt? My mom's twin sister. She died in the arena. Just like Peeta."

Haymitch stands beside her, looking surprisingly sober. His has a grim expression on his face. "She's right, sweetheart. Watched Maysilee die in my arms, couldn't do anything to save her. But you… you had a chance to save him, to send him back here to his home. I can't believe you killed that boy. Thought you were more than that."

I look around to see more people circling me. Cinna and Portia. My prep team, Octavia, Flavius, Venia. I see Effie Trinket, without her usual chirpy mood and colorful outfit. Instead, she dyed her hair black, and she also wears everything black, from her head to toe.

As I look around more closely, I realize that everyone is, like Effie, wearing black.

Black. The color of grief. Of sadness. Of loss. Of death.

They're mourning for Peeta. The boy that I killed.

I killed the boy they loved.

And suddenly, they all take a step aside, making a way for someone who's standing behind them. When they stop, I was staring at the blue eyes of Mr. Mellark's.

He stares at me sadly. He doesn't say anything, he doesn't have to. I can't take it anymore. I take a step back and turn around to run away, but instead I run into someone.

The evil witch, Mrs. Mellark.

"You!" she hisses. "You killed my son! My youngest baby boy!" she grips at my shoulders, shaking me back and forth furiously. And then she grabs a handful of my collar and drags me away, and then she pushes me so hard until I fall onto the ground.

I'm kneeling beside a grave. I keep my head down, not brave enough to read the name on the gravestone. Though I don't need to. I already know whose grave this is.

But Mrs. Mellark chooses to pull my braid down, forcing my head to lift upward and stare at the gravestone.

_Peeta Mellark._

I close my eyes.

"Look at that! He's now buried deep in there. He doesn't deserve this! But you… killed him. You are a monster!"

She lets go of her grip on my hair and leaves. I hung my head down as I start to sob. All of her words—their words—were all true. I should be ashamed of what I've become. A monster.

"Katniss, look at me."

I freeze at his soft voice. Gulping, I lift my head up.

He is there. Looking at me sadly with his blue eyes.

"Katniss," he whispers.

My throat feels dry. "Peeta… I'm sorry…"

"Katniss…" he says my name softly once again, and now I realize that he's slowly starting to fade away. I stand up to reach for him, but I can't. I can only grasp the thin air. He's untouchable.

"Peeta! Peeta, don't go!"

He never stops saying my name, even now that he's completely gone from my sight.

"No! Peeta!"

_Katniss… Katniss… Katniss…_

"Peeta!"

"Katniss! Katniss, wake up!"

My eyes snap open. I'm not in the woods anymore. I'm in a room with white walls around. A soft, blue blanket is tucked around me. I lift my hands and I don't see any traces of Rue's blood or the dirt from the grave. Not only that, my scars from the games and years of hunting in the woods with Gale are also gone.

The Capitol has surgically fixed me up.

"Katniss."

I look up to see Haymitch, not Peeta.

"Good to see you awake, sweetheart. You've been out for two days."

I don't say anything, so he calls my name once again more softly.

"Katniss…"

"I killed him."

He just sighs.

"He's dead. I killed him," I repeat. He rubs his eyes tiredly. "I killed him, Haymitch! I did what the Capitol wanted me to do!"

I didn't realize I was crying until I feel Haymitch's arms wrapped around me. The smell of his liquor is strong as always, but I don't pull away. I do need a hug, even if it's from an old drunkard.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," he murmurs.

I shake my head. Why is he sorry? This is all my fault. Haymitch wasn't there in the arena with Peeta, but I was. I was the one who shot him with my arrow.

He sighs again. "You did what you had to do. He wanted it—he wanted to protect you. Even if you hadn't released your arrow at him… he would've killed himself. And you know that."

I pull away to wipe my eyes, half feeling embarrassed that I've just had a mental breakdown in front of him.

And then something crosses my mind.

"Haymitch, did he…," I gulp, "Was it all really just an act? All of his words? And… those kisses?"

His eyes tells me, wordlessly.

It wasn't an act.

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><p><strong>Ufff, I know. Another depressing chapter. The next one is gonna be a lot less sad, I promise. Review!<br>**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I put this on a rush so if you catch any mistakes/errors, I'm truly sorry! I'm gonna edit this later**

Disclaimer: No i don't own THG

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><p><em>And I'll never be quite the same<br>as I was before this_  
><em>Part of you still remains,<em>  
><em>though it's out of focus<em>  
><em>You're just somewhere that I've been<em>  
><em>And I won't go back again <em>  
><em>You're just somewhere that I've been<em>

"Ghost of You" - Selena Gomez & The Scene

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><p>For the next few days, I stay in the hospital.<p>

I've been staying on my bed the whole time, doing absolutely nothing. I don't talk, not to anyone but Haymitch. I refuse to eat, so they have to stick an IV to my arm to get the nutrition into my system. I just stare off into space like a mentally ill person.

Or maybe I am.

My door swings open, but I don't turn around or even flinch. I let the person step into my room and sit on the chair beside my bed.

"Katniss," the person says.

I look up. "Cinna."

A ghost of a smile appears on his face. "They told me you won't talk to anyone. I guess they were wrong."

I simply shrug, and hung my head down.

"I hate to tell you this, but," he puts his finger on my chin and lifts my head up to face him, "they are dying to see you again, Girl on Fire. You can't sit here forever."

I shrug again.

"Caesar's gonna interview you in two days. You will have to watch the recaps of the games, and then President Snow will put the crown on your head," he says, tapping on my head playfully.

I nod. "Okay."

"Are you sure you're ready for it?" he says more gently.

"I guess I don't have a choice," I mumble. It doesn't matter whether I'm ready or not for the after games celebrations, I'll still have to smile for the cameras all the way.

"You're probably right. That means," he takes a plate from the table beside him and put it on my lap, "you gotta eat something. I've created a beautiful dress for you, and I want it to fit your body perfectly."

I look down at myself. I've gotten much skinnier—what's left of my body are just skin and bones. It will be very disappointing if the dress that Cinna created _especially_ for me don't fit.

I pick up the spoon and start to eat whatever it is on the plate. The food tastes bitter on my tongue, but I swallow it down anyway. Cinna stays beside me and watches my every move. I finally take the last spoonful of the food. He takes the plate from me and puts it back on the table. He then grabs my hand and rubs it gently.

"It will be alright, Katniss."

I take a shaky breath and then I look up at him, and I whisper, "I hate this, Cinna. I don't want to do this. I'm not supposed to be alive."

"Don't say that," he says firmly. "Just go to sleep. When I meet you tomorrow, you'll be as fresh as a flower," he stands up and smiles before leaving the room.

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><p>The next day, I'm moved back to my compartment at the Capitol, the same one where I stayed in before I was thrown into the arena. Everything in this room still look the same—the bed, the carpet, the walls, the table, the couch, the bathroom, the closet, everything. It feels nice to be in a place that's familiar to me, unlike the cold, quiet hospital room with different doctors and nurses checking up on me three times a day.<p>

There's a faint knock on the door, so I stand up from the edge of the bed I'm sitting on. I know it's not Effie, nor it is Haymitch. Because if it was Effie, the knocking would be so much noisier and soon would be followed by her chirpy yells, telling me to be "Up! Up! Up!" and that "The dinner is starting! Don't want to waste such good meals, do we?" And it's certainly not Haymitch because there are no grunts or growls or the sound of the clicking of his bottle of liquors against my door.

I swing it open to see the red haired Avox. Her lips curled upward very slightly, and I'd bet she's smiling. I smile back and nod, motioning her to come inside.

I can tell from the glint in her eyes that she's happy and relieved to see me. She put a tray of food on the table in front of the couch and gestured at me to come and have a taste of it.

I furrow my eyebrows. "No fancy-schmancy dinner with Effie and Haymitch?"

She shakes her head and shrugs, as if saying _I guess not, I don't really know_.

Oh well. This is much better than having to talk about my victory with Effie. I'm not up for faking smiles. Yet.

I sit on the couch. But instead of eating the food, I'm sliding my back against the couch and drop my head on the handrest. And then I start sobbing again.

I don't even know why. I don't know whether the tears are of joy or sadness. I don't know if the reason I cry is because I'm glad that I'm alive and I still have her _here_, staying in this room with me and not backing away or even flinching at me, the monster who killed her supposedly lover with all her selfishness; or if it was because the reality has begun to sink in, that I'm now a _victor_, I just survived the games, just like Haymitch, and soon I will be celebrating the death of the other 23 tributes. I'm going to have this happy life, with a big new house and endless supply of food and a pool of money back in district 12 while they're all nothing but a memory.

A memory that will haunt me, endless nightmares that will appear for the rest of my life no matter if it's day or night. I wonder if someday I would be like Haymitch, soon starting to get my own liquor supplies and get wasted on my couch everyday, in order to block out all the pain that suffocates me.

The Avox kneels in front of me, wiping away my tears with tissue and brushing my wild hair back into its place. Soundlessly, she soothes me with the soft look in her eyes and her gentle touches of her fingers against my hair, my hands, and my cheeks.

I'm the victor. I just survived hell. She's the Avox. The one who got her life taken away by the Capitol, along with her tongue. But she's the one taking care of me, putting me back into one piece, and what have I done to her? Nothing. Gale and I did nothing to save her or her brother, even though we knew we could have. I just watched them from among the bushes. I just stayed there while they were screaming and begging and pleading for help. I did nothing when the spear made its way into her brother's chest. I did nothing when the claws dropped down to the ground and grabbed them. Nothing, nothing at all.

And now she's here, rocking me back and forth between my incoherent mumbles, trying so hard to make me stop crying. Why is she trying to make me feel better? I don't deserve this.

I look up to her, my eyes blurred with tears. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I rasp. She shakes her head and gives me a sad smile. She then helps me sit up and takes the glass on the tray. She takes my hand and wraps it around the glass, forcing me to hold it, and slowly lifts it up to my mouth. I gulp down the water slowly, and then she puts the glass back on the tray while I try to recollect my breaths.

I can't really remember the next things that happen after that. All I know is that she manages to get a few spoonful of chicken soup into my mouth, and soon she's helping me stand up and leads me back to my bed and wraps the warp, thick blanket over my body. Her finger brushes again softly, and I could swear I hear her hum in my ears in attempt to make me fall asleep.

When my eyes finally flutter closed, she is still there.

* * *

><p>I wake up just a second before the door starts pounding.<p>

"Up! Up! Up! It's a big, big, big day, Katniss! The crowd are _dying_ to see you!" Effie's excited voice booms against my door, just as I expected.

Yeah. _Dying_, I snort.

I groan as I groggily slide out of the bed. I expected my feet to step onto the cold floor but instead I feel the soft, fluffy carpet tickling under my feet. And then I remember that I'm still stuck in the Capitol.

Last night was dreamless. No nightmares, not even a blink of one. Maybe it was because I cried too long that it drained my whole energy to even have a dream, or that the voice of the Avox girl's humming was keeping my nightmares away.

"Katniss?" Effie tries again, softer this time. But still banging on my door.

"J'st uh 'sec, 'ffie," I mumble as I stumble to the door and swing it open.

"There you ar—oh my buttons! What happened to you?" she frantically yelps, putting her palms over both of my cheeks and grabbing my face closer to hers, examining it very closely. "What did you do to your pretty little face?" and then she picks up a few strands of my tangled hair, "And your beautiful hair?"

_It's nice to see you too, Effie, _I roll my eyes. Knowing that I would never get out of her grasp no matter if I tried, I just sigh.

She rants on, "Your eyes are red and swollen! My dear god, this… this looks like a messy spider web!"

"I know, Effie."

She lets go of me. "Oh! I'll go get your prep team and let them do their magic on you!" she says before running out without even waiting for me to respond.

Right. Prep team. Cinna's new dress. Recaps of the games. Reliving the weeks of torture. The crowning. Interview with Caesar Flickerman. And the crowds—those ones who'll love me, and those ones who'll wish I'd rot in hell for killing the boy who was madly in love with me.

But I don't have time to break down one more time because my prep team is already here, standing in front of me.

"Ooh! Katniss! It's good to see you again!" Octavia chirps, pulling me into her tight embrace.

"Alright kid, let her breathe," Flavius says, tapping on her shoulder and giving me a smile.

Venia steps in and envelops me into a quick hug and smiles, but then she frowns. "We really need to, as Effie says, do our magic to you."

The three of them giggle, and I manage to let out a small, genuine smile.

* * *

><p>After hours of plucking out every bit of the hair on my body and untangling the mess of my hair and making me look "beautiful" again, my prep team smiles.<p>

"Thank you," I say. They all nod and start to make their way to the door.

"I'll let Cinna in," Flavius says as he closes the door.

A while later Cinna enters the room, smiling at the sight of me looking as fresh as a flower. "Well, look at you, Girl on Fire."

I smile sheepishly at him, remembering how awful I must've looked a few days ago, with swollen eyes and red-rimmed cheeks, having a major mental breakdown, crying and clinging onto him, holding him for dear life. Thanks to my prep team, I now no longer look as messed up.

"So," he says, putting his huge bag on my bed.

I stare at the bag, knowing that inside it is my new dress. "Are you gonna burn me alive again?" I half-joke, half-feeling actually terrified.

He must've seen it in my eyes as he laughed, "No, not really. Now, untie your robe and close your eyes."

I do as I'm told; I strip down into nothing but my undergarments and close my eyes. I cling onto his upper arm as he helps me get into the dress. The material fabric feels soft as it brushes against my bare skin. It does not feel uncomfortable at all, just like every other dresses Cinna has made for me.

He zips up the zipper on the back of my dress and puts his hand on my back, gently pushing it to make me stand straighter. And then he whispers in my ears, telling me to open my eyes.

I open my eyes and see the reflection of myself on the mirror in front of me. I stare at it in shock, not believing what my eyes are seeing. I look beautiful.

"Cinna."

"Yes."

I run a finger down the soft material of the fabric. My dress is strapless and falls just a few inches below my knees; it hugs my body just oh-so perfectly, it's tight but not uncomfortable—just tight enough to wrap around my body, showing off every remaining curves I have on my body. I realize that Cinna has added soft pads on the front side of the dress, right over my breasts, making them look fuller that they actually are. I must be really skinny that he thinks my appearance—my _body_—isn't going to attract many of the Capitol people's attention. Starting a few inches below my abdomen, the dress gets looser and lighter, that if I move my hips around or twirl, the skirt will flow around my legs. With its color, the skirt will look like flames.

It's orange. Sunset orange, just a few shade softer than flame orange, and on the skirt-like lower part of the dress there are a few strikes of lighter orange—almost yellow—and a few strikes of the deeper orange—almost red. Still, it makes me look like I'm hugged by the flames, like they're licking my legs, burning me alive once again. With the addition of black laces around my waist and my back and a few colorful tiny gems on the skirt—that look a bit like the gems Cinna has put on my interview dress, the one before the games—the dress looks stunning, and so do I. I'm still on fire. That's what I am. The Girl Who is on Fire.

"You like it?" he says, so softly.

I'm trying so hard not to actually burst into flames. "No. I love it."

He smiles, and then his face turns more serious. "Has Haymitch talked to you at all? About your interview angle?"

I shake my head.

He rolls his eyes. "That drunk bastard," he mutters and sighs, "You're gonna be the grieving lover, Katniss. Can you do that?"

I keep my face as straight as possible, though all of the emotions are starting to well up in my chest. I nod.

"Just try and find me, okay? Remember what I've told you—talk as if they're your friends. But don't reveal too much if you don't want to." He kisses my forehead and leaves the room.

The red-headed Avox comes back into my room to clean up some of the mess on the floor, and then she stares at me, the edge of her lips twitches again as if she's giving me a smile. And then she opens the drawer beside my bed and pulls out something golden. She hands it to me. My mockingjay pin.

_Good luck_.

"Thank you," I say before she disappears. I attach the pin on the right side of my upper chest carefully, trying not to ruin the dress.

I'm again alone in my room. Only me, Cinna's beautiful dress, and my—Madge's—pin, waiting for Effie to escort me.

A movement catches my attention, right in the corner of my left eye. I whip my head toward the silhouette, wishing they'd let me bring my bow and arrows so I can attack the intruder, and I immediately stare at the person who's now leaning against the wall with their arms crossed in front of their chest nonchalantly. The person, a boy, looks up, his blonde hair flies up from his forehead as he whips his head toward my direction.

A pair of familiar blue eyes bore into mine.

They're undoubtedly Peeta Mellark's.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Sorry for the delay! I've actually finished this chapter a while ago but I couldn't find the right time to publish it, but here it is! Despite any errors I might or might not have made in this chapter, I hope you'll enjoy the chap anyway.

Oh and shoutout to my classmate, Rininta, who reviewed the last chapter! HAHAHA. Your review cracked me up:P

Disclaimer: If you're asking me if I owned The Hunger Games series, the answer is no.

* * *

><p><em>I shot for the sky<br>I'm stuck on the ground  
>So why do I try?<br>I know I'm gonna fall down_

"Down" - Jason Walker

* * *

><p>My mouth hangs agape, but no voice comes out. Not even a rattled sound of gasps. My eyes are wide open, staring at the unbelievable scene in front of me. My chest feels tight like the whole oxygen has been sucked out of me. And of course, my body is frozen in shock. But soon it begins to tremble.<p>

I choke out. "Peeta."

"Hello, Katniss," he smiles even wider and stands straighter. He takes a step forward. I desperately want to back away because I'm _scared_, but my feet won't move.

No. No way. How is this even possible? Peeta Mellark is standing in front of me and is talking to me. Flashes of events that occurred in the past few weeks reappear before my eyes. I shot an arrow right to his chest. I heard his cannon that signaled that his heart had stopped beating for good. He shouldn't be here, but shipped back to District 12 in a coffin, _dead_. Because _I_, Katniss Everdeen, killed him in the 74th Hunger Games arena.

Is he a ghost? Is he going to kill me? Put his hands on my neck and strangle me to death? Shove me on the wall and bang my head on the wall until it cracks open? Grab a knife and stab it to my heart? Can he, _if_ he's dead already? Is he dead at all?

He chuckles. "Close your mouth and relax, Katniss. I'm not gonna do anything to hurt you. I can't anyway."

I bet my cheeks are blushing deep red, despite the fact that I'm seeing a dead person who might or might not try to end my life right now—if it's possible for ghosts to actually kill a _living_ person—because he starts to grin. "Wh—how?" I manage to say. And then I shake my head. I must be crazy—Haymitch should get me checked out in a mental hospital because I'm losing my sanity.

"You're not crazy," he says. Did he just read my mind? Or was I thinking that loud?

"What… what are you doing here?"

A sad smile slowly replaces his grin. "Checking up on you."

"Why?"

"You know why," he says matter-of-factly. "I know it's hard for you, Katniss. You must be so stressed up. You know, with the whole interview angles and stuff—" yeah, and the fact that he's dead because of me and now I'm seeing his ghost—"but trust me, it'll all be okay."

I just nod, not knowing what else to say. I don't even know how or what to think! But he must've caught something in my eye because he furrows his eyebrows.

"What's wrong, Katniss?"

Is he kidding me? "What's wrong? You're asking _me_ what is _wrong_?"

"Wh—"

"I killed you, Peeta! You're dead now, and you didn't deserve to be! _Everything_ is wrong! I—"

My words are cut off by the knocking of Effie's knuckle against the door. "Katniss? Are you in there? Are you talking to someone?"

I glance at the door and then whip my head back toward Peeta, who's now smiling at me as if nothing has happened before. "Good luck, Katniss."

Before I could answer, the door swings open and I turn around to face Effie. "There you are, Katniss. Come on, let's go. We're behind the schedule!"

"But—" I start, whipping my head once again toward Peeta, but he's not there. Not anymore.

I blink and swallow hard, but Effie's already dragging me by my arm.

* * *

><p>I force a small smile as I take a step onto the stage with my beautiful dress, which makes the whole audience go crazy. They all scream and cheer for me, calling my name again and again. Caesar Flickerman stands up and takes my hand, slowly lifting it up to his lips.<p>

"Finally, the lovely Miss Everdeen has come with us tonight," he says. "We've all been so excited to see you again, Katniss."

"Me too," I lie.

"But before we go on the recap and everything, _oh my goodness_, this dress! How can you not love this dress, and the girl inside it? Folks, let's give Cinna a round of applause for this amazing dress, shall we?"

Cinna stands up from his seat and takes a bow, and then he sits back. Caesar turns to look at me, my hand still in his, and then he motions me to twirl for him. I twirl, and the crowd gives another round of applause, this time for me. Just as I expected, the lower part of the dress flows beautifully, and I look like I'm on fire again. Finally, we both take our seats.

"It really took a lot of time for you to recover, did it not?" he asks, still with his wide grin, but somehow his tone softens.

I nod. "Yes," I say. "It's just that… that I couldn't believe what was happening. It felt surreal, you know Caesar? I thought everything was just a dream, wasn't real, but then I realize that everything actually did happen, and I…" I take a deep breath. _Talk as if he's your friend_. "I guess I just had to deal with it; to get the reality sink in, that I've just won the games, that I would be back home soon, that… that…," I gulp. _You will be the grieving lover, Katniss_. "That I've just lost someone… who was important to me," I add quietly.

At my attempt to imply Peeta and his death, the crowd goes crazier, but this time not in a good way. Lots of them started to cry and sob, most are gasping with a pained look on their faces as if Peeta was the half of their lives. But they don't know how that feels to me. They don't understand, the pain of losing someone who cared so much for you, and you cared for, in your own hands.

Caesar stares at me with an expression that I can't make out. And then he shakes his head and smiles rather politely. He starts to talk after the crowd quieted down.

"Ah, yes. It must have been very hard for you, Katniss." He then drops the topic and his bright grin spread out on his face as he turn to the crowd. "For now, though. Shall we watch the recap of this year's games?"

_No. We shall not_. But the crowd thinks otherwise, and they roar excitedly as the recap starts.

It was bad. So bad, worse than I had thought before. It hurts to realize that all of the tributes there are dead, no longer here. Their smiles as they rode their chariots, their confident smirks during their interviews, all gone. It's weird to see how full of life they were, but truth is they're all gone, and I'm the last one standing.

I feel like I'm thrown back into the arena, reliving every single pain that shot up through my body, every agonizing cries from the dying tributes, the horror and the fears that chilled me, sent me shivers down my spine. I got to see things that happened to other tributes. I got to see the deaths of every single person. Every fights, every heated arguments among the Careers, _everything_. I want to shut my eyes, but I can't. I'm forced to stare at these people fighting for their lives, who are now dead, whose death now I'm going to _celebrate_. The feeling is sickening.

I watch how Peeta survived the bloodbath, and then negotiated with the Careers, begging for them to take him as a part of their exclusive pack. Cato agreed right away after Peeta promised that he was helpful, that he was willing to help and lead them to me.

I watch how Peeta came back for the district 8 girl after his allies killed her. I was wrong, so wrong. Peeta didn't come back to "finish her off", he came back to soothe the poor girl, and calm her down, desperately trying to shush her cries. He was helping her while she faced her death. He was whispering things that the microphones couldn't pick up, making her give him an angelic smile that shined even with the dark surrounding them. The girl whispered a soft "thank you" that was loud enough for the entire audience to hear. As she begin to choke up blood and gasped painfully, Peeta placed a quick peck on her forehead and apologized over and over again. The girl then closed her eyes and Peeta ran back to his allies, and then we can hear the boom that signaled her last heartbeat.

I bite back a gasp as I see how Cato slashed his weapon to Peeta's leg, leaving him curled up on the ground, screaming in agony as the blood ran down from the nasty cut. Peeta managed to get up a few while later, and crawled to safety. He winced in pain as he hid behind the bushes, the trees, near the river, and finally, near the cave. He fought the effect from the tracker jackers' venom, crying between his hallucinations. He even called my name over and over again in his nightmares, so weakly. And then after he calmed down, he started to look around and then camouflaged himself.

The scenes were cut a lot, and mostly focused on Peeta and I's survival. Though, they showed a lot of the Career's arguments, and how Foxface stole their food. And then there was me, blowing up their camp. And then shortly after, they showed Rue's death, and I had to close my eyes as the stinging pain in my chest returned. More deaths, more deaths, more deaths, and then I saw myself looking out for Peeta after Claudius' announcement.

They showed our exchange in the cave. They picked up every words we said. They recorded every touches, every kisses, every little things that happened between us. They showed how I drugged Peeta with sleep syrup so I could go to Cornucopia and grab his medicine. They showed how I almost got killed but was saved by Thresh, who later killed Clove.

And it was us again, finding food in the woods. The cannon fired, and I ran back to Peeta, only to find Foxface lying lifelessly with nightlock berries in her grasp.

We ran to the Cornucopia after we saw Cato with the mutts. Cato died. Now we were waiting for the hovercraft to pick us, the _supposedly victors_ of the 74th Annual Hunger Games. But of course, the Gamemakers decided to cancel the rule.

I hung my head down in shame as on-screen Katniss pointed the bow at Peeta's heart. They even showed _almost_ the whole of our desperate conversation—though they cut out a few sentences about nightlock and some of the words that I said that might sound rebellious to the citizens' ears.

I try to concentrate on breathing when Peeta and I stood up, my weapon in my grasp.

"_Do it, Katniss. I have nothing to lose,"_ he said.

I see myself shaking my head furiously, _"But I do, Peeta. If you die… then I have to lose you. I don't want to have to lose you."_

The whole crowd gives another "ahhhs" and cries.

"_You know I love you, Katniss,"_ he kissed me.

"_I love you too, Peeta,"_ I hear myself said. Once again the crowd goes berserk, they are thrashing and crying and screaming their heads off. I just close my eyes and try to fight back the scream in my throat.

When I open them, Peeta is standing behind Caesar with a grim expression on his face. I blink and he's gone. I must've gone crazy again, so I shake my head and focuses back to the screen.

I see my own arrow made its way to stick into Peeta's heart. Both of us fell down to the ground. He was lying and staring up at the sky while I was curling into a ball. The camera took a close shot at Peeta, showing how he grimaced at the pain I caused him, and then he smiled. The same angelic smile that the district 8 girl gave him, the same smile that Rue gave me before she died. Slowly, Peeta closed his eyes, taking one last breath, and the cannon went off.

The screen goes blank.

I take a deep, shaky breath as Caesar turns to look at me.

"Now, Katniss. I know you don't want to talk about this, but I have to ask you."

I nod. And then I turn around to find Cinna among the crowd. He gives me a reassuring smile.

Caesar speaks in a soft tone, "All of us know that you were in love with the boy. And it must have been hard for you to do what you had to do in the arena, yes?"

"Yes," I nod, "it was."

"How did you feel after you… do _that_?" he says, avoiding to say _you killed him_. "Did it make you feel like you were a desperate tribute, or a hopeless lover?"

_Both, _I think to myself. I was desperate _and_ hopeless. I swallow and look around at the crowd once again. Cinna mouths to me,_ tell me_.

"I didn't know," I say. "As a tribute, I had been so desperate to go home, and I felt relieved because I finally could. I wanted to win, so I could go back to my family again. But as a… _lover_," I look down at my lap. "I guess you were right. I was hopeless—I didn't know what else to do. And I hated myself for doing _that_. I still do, actually."

People starts crying again.

"Sometimes I wish I didn't have to make that choice... I wish there weren't any Hunger Games at all. I wish he'd just let me kill myself, but I realize that it wasn't gonna make things any easier for him. It would only put him on my place right now, feeling the same hatred that I feel toward myself. And Peeta… he is…" I gulp, and correct myself, "he _was_ too good for that. I didn't want to make things harder for him, and I eventually knew I had made the right choice. The best choice, for both of us, especially for… him."

I take a deep breath and continue, "I'm going to miss him, I know that. But I also know that he's in a better place now, safe and sound, and nobody can hurt him anymore. I'm sure he wouldn't want to see me broken. So I'm going to try to move forward… and…" I sigh. "And I'll make sure that he won't be forgotten."

As I stopped talking, I realize that I've said _so much, _even _too much. _Maybe I shouldn't have said those things. Maybe opening up myself to Caesar and all of the crowd _and the rest of Panem_ is a bad idea. Maybe I've accidentally revealed some things that shouldn't have been said.

After a few moments of silence, Caesar claps, and the rest of the audience follows him. They even shed a few tears.

"And we will not let him be forgotten, either," he says. Then he looks at the crowd and gives them another grin. "But at the bright side, Katniss, as yourself have said, you are finally going back home! How do you feel of that?"

I hide my grimace. Truth is I don't feel like I wanna go home anymore, other than to see Prim and Gale that is. I'm sure that I'm hated by all the people in the district. I'm not bringing joy, I'm only bringing a monster of myself, a product of the Capitol. They have changed me to be something I have sworn to myself I would never be, and I don't think I can afford coming back to home when all I can see of myself is a murderer. And I am indeed a murderer.

But of course, I can't say that to Caesar. Instead, I give him a smile. "Well, Caesar, of course I'm thrilled to finally be out of the arena. It's been tough in there, and I can't wait to see my family again, and bring _joy_ and glory to my district," I lie through my teeth. "That is something to be proud of." More disgusting lies, and I force a grin for the crowd's sake.

He then says a few words that I couldn't really care less about, and then President Snow appears. I quickly stand on my feet as he makes his way to me.

"Congratulations, Miss Everdeen," he says. He then slowly lifts up the crown and puts it on my head.

"Thank you," I whisper back. I swear I can smell the sickening scent of blood and roses as he leans forward to me, very _very_ strong, even stronger than the smell of Haymitch's liquor, and it makes me feel nauseous. The President smiles at me, somewhat intimidatingly. His makes a move to kiss my cheek, but instead he places his mouth near my ear and whispers.

"You are indeed a girl on fire, Miss Everdeen," he says. "But I shall make sure that the fire you've caught is not going to burn the _rest of us_."

* * *

><p><strong>The plot thickens! Peeta's back and so is Snow, and there might or might not be rebellion coming. Some of you might be confused with Peeta; what is he? Why is he here? What is he doing now? Well, I don't have the answers for those <em>yet<em>, but yer all gonna find out later in the next chaps (sorry for being so suspenseful)! I probably won't be able to update sooner than you'd expect me to, maybe in two or more weeks, because of the final exam that's coming in a week (yeah I know my school system is weird), but I don't know; if I'm getting enough reviews, like 15 or 20 reviews or more for this chapter, then maybe I will update _waaay _sooner :)**

**P.S! Go check out The Silver Panda's SYOT fanfic, _The 124th Hunger Games: A Lost Cause_, and go put some reviews and vote for my tribute, Katelynn from District 12!  
><strong>

**For now though, reviews?**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **OMFG GUYS! MORE THAN 20 reviews for last chapter? I LOVE YOU! Here's the new chapter, I finally decide to update a week earlier than I had planned XD

(P.S: longer author's note in the bottom!)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own The Hunger Games, but I'm still happy and excited because of last chapter! Haha:)

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><p><em>I'm out of touch<br>I'm out of love  
>I'll pick you up when you're getting down<br>And out of all these things I've done,_

_I think I love you better now  
><em>

__"Lego House" - Ed Sheeran

* * *

><p>When I go back from lunch in President Snow's mansion, my hands are shaking.<p>

I get into the elevator and push the button that closes the doors. But before it completely closed shut, Haymitch wildly appears. He slips through the gap between the doors and stands beside me.

I open my mouth, but then I close it again. I want to say something, but I can't. I can't form any words. I'm scared. _I'm so damn scared_. What does Snow want from me now? What did he mean by his words? Was he _threatening_ me? Was it because of the words I said? What's going to happen now, are mom and Prim in trouble? Or even Gale?

We finally arrive at our floor and I sprint out to reach my room, but of course Haymitch stops me. He looks at me with his I-know-some-crap-happened-so-just-talk-to-me-because-I'm-older-than-you-and-I-can-handle-it look, but I shake my head.

"Talk, kid," he grunts.

I look around because I'm sure this place isn't safe for a talk, so I just grab his hand and lead him to the place that I know must be safe and unbugged. The roof.

Once we arrive there, I blurt out everything to Haymitch. And as I expected, he listens to me carefully… but not without taking the flask from his pocket.

"This is no time for getting wasted, Haymitch," I scold, but make no move to get rid of the alcohol.

He shrugs. "Actually, this is," he says, taking a gulp. "Want some?"

I stare at the flask he's holding out to me and bite my lips, considering taking it for a while. A second later, I grab it and take a small sip and let the liquid run down my throat. It burns, it doesn't feel _great_, and it almost makes me choke, but it's fine. I need a distraction. I need something that can make me stop thinking. Getting drunk that is.

"See? It's not half bad," he says as I take a bigger gulp.

Turns out alcohol and me don't get along too well, because just in a matter of seconds my head starts to spin. But I take it as a good sign.

"What do I do now, Haymitch?" I say. "I just lost Peeta. I can't lose _them_ too." Haymitch doesn't stop me when I take another gulp. By now I start to slur. "Was it somethin' that I said?"

"No," he says. "Nothing wrong with that, sweetheart." I make a move to lift the flask to my lips once again, but this time he snatches it away. "That's enough for a kid like you."

"But I need more," I whine.

"Trust me, you don't," he mumbles, and takes a sip for himself instead. And then he mutters. "That man is sick."

I look up at him. "Has this happened before? Threats from Snow. Bad things happening to the victors."

He looks at me as if I'm the biggest idiot on earth. "Of course, sweetheart. It happens _every time_. This is not the first," he says, and then added quietly, "but I'll make sure this is the last." He then stands up to go back to his room.

"How?" I ask, following him two steps behind.

He shrugs. "We'll find out later."

* * *

><p>I close the door behind me and begin rubbing my temples. The dizziness won't go away even though I've closed my eyes and open them and blinked and shake my head and did everything. The world spins in my eyes. It won't stop. It won't stop. It won't stop. Stupid alcohol. How does Haymitch do this every single day?<p>

I stumble to my bed and sit on the edge of it. I put my head on my hands, still trying to stop the headache but of course it doesn't work.

I will never drink alcohol _ever again_.

Or maybe not.

"Drink water. That'll probably help—I don't know, I had never gotten drunk before," says a voice that I know too well—it has been in my head ever since I got reaped. I snap my head toward the voice—of course, it's Peeta again. Hallucinations must be another side effect of getting drunk.

"What are you doing here?" I say, tiredly.

"You want me to go away?"

I think for a moment, and sigh. "No."

He tilts his head toward the glass on the bedside table. "Drink it."

I take the glass and gulp down the water. Nothing. I'm still dizzy. Stupid Peeta.

He shrugs, "Don't blame me. Told you I've never been drunk before."

"Good to know."

"No need to be all cranky, Katniss. Do I bother you that much?" he jokes.

I want to smile, but I can't. Instead, my lips curl down to a frown. "What are you?"

"What am—what?" he asks, furrowing his eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"What are you, Peeta? You're dead. Why are you here? You shouldn't be here," I mumble, and then slam the glass on the table. I stand up and begin pacing back and forth. "Why am I seeing you? Are you real?"

I finally stop and look at him. He's frowning. "I… I don't know, Katniss."

"You don't know? How can you not know?" I whisper/yell, feeling frustrated. "I don't understand!"

"Neither do I," he says. "I just know that I've left some unfinished _business_," he says, emphasizing the word 'business'. "And I have to get it done before I can finally go."

"What business?"

He shrugs. "I guess that's what I'm still trying to find out. But despite the circumstances, I'm glad that I can see you again."

But that still doesn't answer my question. _What is he? _I could be just imagining him right here, right now.

"Anyway, you look beautiful in that dress."

I look down at myself and mumble, "Thanks."

"Sunset orange, isn't it?" he says. "Was my favorite color."

I give him a faint smile. "This kind of orange? Not like Effie's new hair color?"

He laughs. "No, no. Exactly like this," he smiles. "I used to beg my father to take me outside the town around sunset, because I wanted so badly to see it. One day he finally agreed and granted my wish. He took me out and we walked out of the town. We walked and walked and just walked until we passed the Seam. Finally, we stopped near the fence. I was so mesmerized by the sight of the woods outside the fence. It was beautiful, so unlike the town."

His face lights up and I can't help but smile.

"And then he laid down on the grass, and he asked me to do the same. So we both laid there, stared up at the sky that was beginning to darken. I saw birds flying by, so freely, and I wonder how it would've felt to be like them. As we waited for the sun to set, my father told me another story about the girl who he was in love with who ran away with a coal miner. He had told me that story for as long as I could remember, but still I listened carefully to every words he said, and again, I wondered why in the world a girl would choose a miner instead of my father. He always told me that he lost her because he couldn't make the mockingjays sing with him. And then he pointed one of the them in the sky.

"He told me, _'Here, let me show you why I could not win my lover's heart.'_ And then he began to sing. His voice was so bad that we both laughed. And then I said, _'I guess now I should learn how to sing with the mockingjays, so I can win her daughter's heart.'_ And he just laughed because he remembered how I had pointed at you on the first day of school and said that I wanted to marry you.

"And when the sun finally went down, we both sat up. For the first time in my life, I saw the sunset. And I fell in love with it right away."

His eyes are shining, so full of life if it's even possible. He looks younger when he told me the story, seems so stuck in his memory land, and I don't blame him for it. I've seen hundreds of sunsets myself, and I always fall in love with it all over again.

"Do you wanna see one?" I offer quietly. I walk over to the window and look through it. The sun is indeed beginning to set. And even though the colors seem to bright and fake and so Capitol-ish, a sunset is still a sunset.

"See? It's beautiful. Well, not as beautiful as I remembered," he says, smiling.

I roll my eyes playfully, "It's because this is the Capitol's sunset," I say, "where everything's supposed to be perfect."

"Not everything, though," he mutters.

I no longer pay attention to the fake sunset and instead I'm staring at him. I start to wonder if he is really just a hallucination. But if he is, how could he be telling me all _this_? If I'm just _imagining_ him, where did the story about the sunset come from? And if he isn't just an imagination, _what is he_? A ghost? A spirit? A guardian angel?

And what kind of business is it, that he has left unfinished?

My head spins again, but this time it's even worse because a wave of nausea hits me in all sudden. Before I can vomit on the floor, I run to the bathroom and empty my stomach in the toilet. Remind me why I decided to bring that damn flask to my lips.

Once I'm done vomiting violently, I wash my mouth with cold water over and over again, trying to clean the disgusting taste in my mouth. I realize I was still wearing Cinna's dress, so I decide to go take a shower and later change to a pair of pajamas that's already laying near the neatly folded towel on a cabinet.

I step into the shower and press random buttons on it. The warm water washes over my body, cleans every bit of make-ups that my prep team had put on me. The soap is cinnamon scented, and I'm silently thankful that it's not blood or rose scented or I would've vomited even more.

After my whole body is all dried up, I put on the pajamas. And then I stare at the reflection of myself in the mirror. What I see isn't Katniss Everdeen, a sixteen years old teenage girl from The Seam of District 12, who is an older sister of Primrose Everdeen and Gale Hawthorne's hunting partner. But all I see is a stranger who's staring back at me. She's as tall as _Katniss_, but noticeably skinnier. She doesn't have any scar from hunting in the woods, her skin is soft, smooth and perfect. Her hair isn't neatly braided or tied up in a bun, but it's messy, and falls loose past her shoulders. Her eyes are grey, just like _Katniss'_, but it's more dull and lifeless. I can even see the dark shadows under them.

She's not Katniss Everdeen. Not anymore.

I turn on the water on the sink and wash my face, and then I look back at the mirror. Nope. She doesn't come back. The old Katniss Everdeen is gone and will never be back. She's gone with… Peeta.

Peeta. The only person that cared so much about me, other than my family and the Hawthornes. I've lost him forever, and now with Snow's threat, who else am I going to lose?

I've done what Snow wanted, to kill Peeta, to be the only victor. I've become the monster he wanted me to be. And why weren't those enough? Why aren't I safe? Why is my family still not safe? That means the sacrifice that I've done was for nothing. I let Peeta go for nothing. I killed him for nothing, because in the end, the ones that I love is still not safe.

Or maybe it was all my fault in the first place. Maybe it would've been better if I had died instead of Peeta. Maybe he could take care of my family. Maybe my mother wouldn't be that broken if I died. Maybe Prim could be strong. Maybe Gale could find away to cope, to forget about me. Maybe if I died, they would all be okay.

Maybe. _Just maybe_.

I don't know how long I've been in the bathroom. Probably an hour or more, I don't really care. But when I go back to my bedroom, Peeta is no longer there. And I can't help but recall what he said in the arena, about him having nothing to lose. Was that true?

Because I wasn't lying when I told him that I did have some things to lose if he died. I would've missed him, and I do. And now that I'm a victor, plus with Snow's threats, I have more things to lose. It would've been better if he hadn't died.

Peeta died, and so did 22 other tributes out there in the arena. It's not something uncommon; this happens every year ever since the end of the Dark Days. 23 kids die, 1 alive. But why did I have to be the one that came out alive? It's not that I'm not glad I'm alive and I still have the chance to see those that I love. I am glad. But the fact that what I either did or didn't do would never be enough for Snow sets me on edge. I won, my family and I are supposed to be safe, but we're not. I'm still losing so much, and it's not fair.

But of course no one can be safe in Panem. Not a thing is fair here. And victors aren't an exception.

If Peeta had won instead, would things change? I don't know. But to this moment I'm still wondering if he really didn't care if he died because he had nothing to lose. He didn't love me _that_ much, didn't he, that he was willing to sacrifice his own life for me?

But he did die for me. And it hurts me in a way that I can never understand.

"It wasn't like that, you know?" Peeta says, silently sneaks up behind me.

I turn around. "What?"

"When I said that I had nothing to lose. I know you're probably wondering about that," he shrugs. "I had a lot of things that I knew I was going to lose, but compared to yours… my life wasn't as worth it," he says. "And in fact, I knew from the start that it would've been you that comes out alive, always you. So I was ready for my fate, that I would've never come out alive."

I fall silent for a moment. I get what he means, and I know that I'm so much stronger than him, that his odds of surviving were not so good. In fact, if I hadn't come to find him, he would've died much sooner without me. But the way he says that… it makes me feel like he didn't wanna live at all.

He sits on my bed. "Well, it's not that I didn't appreciate the life that I had. I did. My family, my friends, the bakery, you…" he sighs, "were all important to me. But let's face it, my life wasn't worth it to the Capitol's eyes. All they want is just a show, and I was a part of it, whether I liked it or not."

I take a step forward and hesitantly take a seat beside him. I decide to change the topic. "Do you always have to read my mind?" I look down at my lap and swing my legs playfully.

He chuckles. "Well… you're so easy to read, Katniss. Everything is written all over your face. Plus, you're a crappy liar."

I smirk, but soften my voice. "But I've always worn a mask to cover my feelings ever since my father died. And most people can't see what I'm hiding," I roll my eyes, "and then there's you."

"Maybe you're hard to read, but not to me," he says pointedly. "Besides, what's the good thing of being a ghost if I don't creep into your head and shock the hell out of you by guessing your mind?"

He says it so nonchalantly, as if death is just some kind of joke and that his doesn't affect me and my life at all. Suddenly, I feel angry at him. I look up and glare icily at him. "Stop it, Peeta. Stop saying things like that."

My cold tone must've taken him aback. He looks at me, "What do you mean?"

I can't find the right words to say so I just shake my head. Besides, if he's a _ghost_, he's going to find out anyway. I look back down at my lap to hide my eyes that are beginning to water. "I miss you, Peeta," I finally admit.

He moves closer to me. "I'm still here."

"As a _ghost_," I spit the word as if it was venomous. "I want you here. Physically. So I…" _so I can touch you_. I look up and lift my finger up and move it toward his cheek. He stays still, but when I tap my finger on his cheek… it just goes through it. A single tear makes its way down my cheek, and then come the others, and now I'm crying. I can't touch him. Why can't I touch him?

"Because I'm a ghost," he whispers sadly, and the words sound cracked at the end. The pain is obvious in his eyes. He continues, "But I swear, Katniss, I swear to God I will protect you. Alive or not, I will always be with you. I promise that you and your family will be alright. Okay?"

I want to feel him. I want to feel safe again, and without him, I just can't. But for now, all I can do is nod and try to believe him.

"Good," he smiles. "Now go back to sleep. I promise I will be here when you wake up."

I lay on my bed and hide under the blanket, and wait for the darkness to come. "Good night, Peeta."

"Good night, Katniss."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **I forgot to tell you this, but I've changed some things from the book. Like, the ceremony is supposed to be separated from the interview; the ceremony only consists of the recap of the games and the crowning, while the interview is being done the next day in Katniss' room. But to shorten the story I had decided to write the interview together with the ceremony, and then after that Katniss has to go to Snow's mansion to have lunch there with other Capitol people. And in the book, it's supposed to be a dinner, not lunch, but I changed it so I could go faster with the story. I hope it didn't disappoint you, I just didn't want to go in toooo much detail :)

And you might've noticed that Katniss here is somewhat kinda out of her character (she talks more openly to Peeta and Caesar, and she's more moody and seems so easy to cry), but I promise you that she's not. She's just being her confused self, and with Peeta being dead and all, it kinda affects her emotion, you know?

Again, THANK YOU EVERYONE, the last chapter got more than 20 reviews and I was SOOOOOOO happy. Just… thank you, thank you, thank you!


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I'm so sorry for the super late update! I couldn't write anything since I had to do a lot of school exams and then left for a trip to Bali last week (have you been there? It's beautiful!) and then right when I want to finish the chapter and upload it, my laptop just broke down! Thankfully yesterday my dad got it repaired and I finally continued this chapter as soon as possible… and ta-da! I hope this one's not too disappointing :)**

**And my apologies for any errors—I'm trying to do the best here haha. Oh and warning: there will be some "dirty" languages in this chapter. I hope you don't mind since the rating is T...  
><strong>

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Hunger Games trilogy **_**or **_**the movie(s); if I did Catching Fire would be released this week instead of next year -_-**

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><p><em>But lately her face seems<em>  
><em>Slowly sinking, wasting<em>  
><em>Crumbling like pastries<br>And they scream_  
><em>"The worst things in life come free to us<em>..."

"The A Team" - Ed Sheeran

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><p>"Good morning, Sunshine," Effie greets me at the dining table. I just give her a smile and a brief nod, and then I take a seat across her. "How was your sleep?"<p>

"Good," I say. The truth is, it wasn't. I had a lot of horrible nightmares in one night, like it never ended. Once it stopped, another one came, and so on. I ended up waking up at three in the morning, and never went back to sleep... which explains the dark circle _and _the bags under my eyes.

Awkward silence fills the entire room as I start eating my breakfast that's already sitting before me. A bowl of soup. I take a spoonful and "sniff" it—chicken cream soup. I bring my gaze to scan the whole table, and my hand unconsciously reach out for a bread when I stop dead on my track. Bread. I jerk my hand away as if I just touched fire and start busying my mind with another things while I continue to eat the soup; like Haymitch's absence—not that it's surprising—he's probably dead drunk in his room. Again. Effie clears her throat. "We're arriving at District 12 in thirty minutes."

I gulp down the warm soup and let it burn my throat—it is way too _warm_, but it's good because it's distracting my mind—and I drop my spoon. "Good."

Does it make me a bad person that I don't want to see Prim? I mean—_I do,_ but I don't want _her_ to see _me._ She must hate me _so much_ right now, because I do. And I think I'm not ready to see anyone from home. It just hurts, coming back home _alone_.

The bread stares at me, burning holes in my face. Memories of the boy and the bread he tossed me in the rain to save my life come rushing back at me _again_, and I don't think I can take it anymore. Not even this tongue-burning hot soup can distract me anymore. I take the cloth on the table to wipe my mouth, and then I stand up to go back to my room.

"Where are you going, Katniss? You haven't even finished your appetizer," Effie calls out to me, but I just shake my head and leave.

I run back to my room and slam the door behind me. When I glance up—_surprise, surprise_—Peeta is sitting on the edge of my bed. Actually, he's been around since two days ago when I went back to my room, _drunk_. He always shows up everyday—sometimes when I wake up from sleep, sometimes when I'm going to sleep, and sometimes he just randomly pops out of nowhere. But I don't complain. It feels good to have a company, someone I'm comfortable with, whatever they actually are.

"Hey," he says.

"Hi," I mumble, and take a seat beside him.

"I thought you were having breakfast."

I shrug, "I was."

He stands up and sigh, and kneels down in front of me. "What now?"

I bite my lower lip, and then throw my head back and sigh as loudly as he did. "I'm just not ready to go back. They hate me."

"You don't know that."

"Why wouldn't they hate me? I'm a monster," I mutter in a childish tone, huffing and pouting and then I lay on my back and stare up at the ceiling.

"Don't say that," he says firmly as he moves to lay down beside me, and then continues quietly. "They won't hate you. They would understand."

"They wouldn't, Peeta," I mumble. "They don't know how I felt, they don't know how it feels to be a tribute, and coming back home as a victor, alive and well, while twenty three others are gone. Forever. They won't get it."

"That's the point. They don't know you; if they couldn't understand how you feel, then they wouldn't judge you, even hate you."

"But I killed, Peeta," I whisper. "My hands are dirty. I'm a murderer. I don't want Prim to come and hug a murderer."

He looks at me, so I turn my head to him. Even now that he's _dead_, his eyes haven't changed. They're still blue, so blue that seeing them is like staring at the sky. "But you're still her sister. You promised her you would come home, and you did. You're here, just a few minutes away from home. That's all that matters to her."

I bite my lip and finally nod. "Okay."

He smiles and then turn his head away to stare up at the ceiling again. I do the same.

But my fears haven't all gone away, and I speak again. "But what if things go wrong? What about your parents?"

I haven't forgotten Mrs. Mellark and her angry, evil yell as she cursed Peeta for _clumsily _burning the bread. I hate her. And she must hate me now that I killed her son. What will happen, I don't know, but I'm sure it won't be good.

Peeta sighs and rubs his eyes. "Don't worry about my father." _But I don't know about my mother_, I can almost hear the voice in his head say.

"We're here!" Effie's excited voice gets me up from the bed and I head to the door. Before opening it, I turn to look at Peeta over my shoulder, and he's giving me a smile.

"It'll be okay."

I nod and smile half-heartedly, and then he's gone. I sigh and open the door, and Effie immediately drags me by my arm. Haymitch follows behind, half-drunk, or maybe totally drunk, I can't tell and I don't really care. But at least he's not stumbling and he smells less disgusting.

When I step out of the train, I am surprised by how many people are waiting for me at the station. I can't make out some of their faces, but what surprises me more is how _excited _they look to see me.

Nervously, I look around to see people that I actually know. I finally spot a blonde haired little girl that's making her way toward me with a blonde haired woman tailing behind her. It's Prim, and the woman is mom. Momentarily, the fear of them hating me comes back to me, making my stomach knot, but after seeing their faces, all the fears fade away.

When Prim finally sees me, she runs and jumps into my arms. I scoop her up in my tight hug and then I bend down, letting our mother to join. She wraps her arms around us and cries with Prim. Tears are threatening to fall from my eyes, but I try my best to hold them back.

"I miss you, Katniss," Prim says.

"I miss you too, you don't know how much I've missed you," I hug them both tighter and finally let go. I turn to see mom, still with her fresh tears running down her cheek, and I wipe them away with my thumb. She leans to put both her hands on my cheek, cupping my face in her hands, and her tired blue eyes stare into mine. Her lips are trembling and she can't say a word even though she wants to, so I just nod while I rest my hands on hers and squeeze them reassuringly.

_I'm home._

We both finally let go when Prim turns to her right. I follow her gaze and my breath catches in my throat.

Gale.

His face aren't giving out much of his emotions, but I can tell from his eyes and the slight movement of the edge of his lips that at least he's happy to see me. He silently just hug me there, without a word, just lets the heat radiates from his body to mine, and then he lets go.

"Welcome back, Catnip," he whispers as he kisses my temple.

Behind him are Hazelle Hawthorne and her three other children: Rory, Vick and Posy. Rory gives me a nod and grins, Vick gives me a sheepish smile, and Posy smiles widely and hugs my leg, only to have her mother pick her up and she lets go of me. Hazelle gives me a pat on my shoulder softly and walks away with her kids to my family.

Right when I decide to follow The Hawthornes, I see Peeta's family—excluding Mrs. Mellark. They are standing not far away, but far enough from the crowd. I want to look away but I can't, and instead I catch Mr. Mellark's gaze. He's staring at me—thankfully the rest of his family aren't—and he smiles faintly at me, though the tears in his eyes are clear enough for me to see from the distance. He looks away to talk to his sons, and finally, I'm focused back at the crowd around me.

Not knowing what to do, I just vaguely nod at some of them and mumble my thanks and I go back to my family.

"I'm so glad you're home, Katniss," Prim says as I find my way to walk beside her.

"I'm so glad I'm home, too," was all I can manage to say. From afar, I can spot Madge and Mayor Undersee. Madge has her eyes on me while her father is more focused on the crowd of Capitol people that's "escorting" me today. Madge waves and gives me a wide smile and I surprise myself by grinning back at her.

I never realized how much I've missed Madge. Sure, we were never really "friends" like that—we didn't talk about boys, we didn't gossip around, we didn't really hang out outside of school; all we did was sit together at the lunch table in silence. We rarely talked, but we always enjoyed each other's company, and I guess to me it was more than enough to have someone like her. And she's the only thing closest to a girl friend that I have anyway. Maybe she's actually my best friend—other than Gale, of course—after all.

And to ever see her again, I feel really, genuinely happy.

I focus back on my family and Gale's, and notice that Hazelle has just talked with my mother and turns to leave with the rest of her family.

"We'll see you later, Katniss. For now, you must be really tired," Hazelle says. I just nod and give her a slight smile as she leaves.

Gale is the last one to walk away. He hugs me once again and murmurs, "I'll see you later tonight."

After they left, I just realize that we're walking a different way. We're not walking out of the town, but—

"Where are we going, Prim?" I ask.

She looks up to me and grins, "To our new house, of course!"

"You guys have moved all of our stuff from the Seam?"

"Yeah! And you know what, Katniss? All the houses in the Victor's Village are _huge_! Mom and I went there yesterday and I bet you're going to love it."

My mind screams otherwise, but I smile at her anyway. "Of course, Little Duck."

We finally arrive there and Prim wasn't exaggerating when she said that the house was _huge_. It is huge and _beautiful_, and our house seems to have been repainted recently, judging by the color of the walls that seems fresher than the other eleven houses, and the smell of paint. I decide to look around the house before doing anything.

I expect the house to be empty, other than the stuffs Mom and Prim brought from our house in the Seam, but there are already furniture in the house. The furniture are new, but simple, unlike the most furniture you'd see in the Capitol, but yet very different than the ones people in this district have. These are the kinds of things that I never _ever_ thought I could afford.

Right after you open the door, you'll be greeted by a white couch and cushions and a wooden table. Walk further inside, and you'll see the living room. There's a bigger couch there and a television, and there's also a bookshelf with a few books that were sent straight from the Capitol.

There's also a huge dining room next to the kitchen. The dining table is wide and circle-shaped with eight chairs circling around it. There's a few bottles in a glass cabinet near the table and I'm guessing they are filled with wine or probably other liquors which _I will never drink_. In the kitchen, there are a few electronic stuffs that I've never used or seen before. A big white refrigerator sits near the stove, already filled with some chopped but still raw meat and other foods, boxes of juices and milk, and a few fruits and vegetables and much more. Under the stove, I believe is an oven. There's also this thing that Prim calls a microwave, used mostly to reheat meals. The cabinets that are glued to the wall are also filled with a lot of things: the cabinets on the right side is filled with plates, bowls, glasses, empty bottles and jars; and the other one is filled with things like salt, pepper, sugar, some spices, a jar of black powder that Mom calls coffee and also a lighter one that I believe is chocolate, some canned food, and a lot of other edible things that I never knew existed.

That is a lot of food. More than all the food I've eaten in my entire life.

There is one bedroom downstairs, and three upstairs: one main bedroom for me, one for Mom, one for Prim, and one for the guests which is kind of smaller than the other bedrooms—but Prim will either sleep with me or Mom anyway so there will be at least two empty bedrooms in this house. In every bedroom except the guest's room downstairs, there's a bathroom. My bedroom is huge and there's no way to describe it.

In conclusion, this house is perfect, and that's why I hate it.

"Do you like it, Katniss?" Prim asks, sitting on the edge of my bed right beside me.

I just nod.

"Okay. I'll be downstairs with Mom if you need me," she replies and leaves my room.

Prim closes the door behind her and again I'm alone. But unsurprisingly, Peeta appears. He just calmly sits on the place where Prim did and he doesn't say anything.

"I guess it wasn't as bad as I'd expected," I say.

"Really?"

I stand up to lock the door and then look around the room, and then I stop in front of the bathroom door. "Yeah. They don't hate me—I mean, if they do, they didn't show it."

"Well, how do you feel?"

"I feel weird," I say as I turn the knob and walk in. "I mean, it feels nice to be back home. Prim was so excited and my mom tried her best to show that she still cares about me. Gale and his family were supportive. The other people seemed so welcoming. But it felt empty to me."

I stop right in front of a full-body mirror beside the closet. Peeta follows behind, and stops to stand right beside me. I look at the mirror and see myself, but not Peeta. When I turn to look at him, he's still there, standing next to me. I guess that's just his "thing" that I'll never understand.

"Why did you feel empty?" he asks softly.

I answer with a shaky whisper. "Something was missing. I shouldn't have come home alone." I blink back the tears that's already blurring my vision, but it only makes the tears fall down on my cheeks. I turn at him, not bothering to wipe my tears. "There were supposed to be two victors this year, Peeta. Me and _you_."

He sighs. "Come on, Katniss. We've talked about this."

"I know, but you're still gone."

"I'm not. I'm here."

I groan in frustration and storm out of the bathroom. I jump to my bed and cover my head with a pillow while the tears continue to fall. Why am I feeling like this? I really shouldn't have let myself get too attached to Peeta. I knew that love would only lead me to this kind of emptiness, just like what Mom felt when dad died. In the end, I would just be broken.

_Love? Did I really love Peeta?_

No. The only person that I'm sure I love is Prim. Only her. She's my world, and I'd do anything for her. And in fact, I did. But now why do I care so much about Peeta? He's dead. I've got nothing to do with him anymore. He shouldn't matter to me, but he _does_. And it hurts so much to think about him.

Why doesn't he just go away? Why does he have to come back, haunting me like this when all I want is to just forget him?

But deep inside, I know that I would never forget him even if he was really gone. He would just come into my nightmares, and every night when I close my eyes I would always remember the day he died, and _how_ he died.

I try to stop thinking about him, but then suddenly I remember what President Snow said that night when I was crowned._ I shall make sure that the fire you've caught is not going to burn the rest of us. _What fire? What kind of fire did I catch, and who is "us"? What kind of damage have I done by staying alive? I wish I had just died instead—but if I died, I'd never know what would happen to Prim.

Why is every move that I make always wrong? I just want everything to _stop_.

Groaning again, I sit up and throw the pillow across the room. I see Peeta sitting at the corner of the room, his eyes locked on me, but I ignore him. Instead, I walk to the window and look outside.

Victor's Village is not so far from the town, so I still can see it a little bit. Haymitch's house is next to mine and even though I can only see a little bit of it from here, I know how messy and disgusting his house is. But I can clearly see the other house beside mine. It's empty, of course, and dirty because no one lives there, but it shouldn't be. That house is supposed to be Peeta's. He's supposed to be my neighbor, living right next door. But the rule had been cancelled. He's dead. He can't live there.

My thoughts are interrupted when suddenly I hear a noise coming from downstairs. I can hear a woman's yell—one that I'm familiar with but clearly not Mom's or Prim's voice because it sounds so _evil_ and full of rage—and then the sound of something broken, thrown harshly to the floor, and then Prim's screams and Mom's cold voice telling that woman to leave.

But she doesn't. Instead, I hear the loud stomps on the stairs and then it stops right in front of my door. I can hear my mom telling Prim not to follow and to go find some help. My door is locked so all that woman can do is bang on my door. I move to the place where Peeta has just been—now he's disappeared—and slump in the corner. I pull my legs to my chest and hug them tightly, hoping that the woman would just leave. But instead of leaving, she screams and keeps pounding on my door.

"Natasha! Please leave this house, you're just making a scene!" I hear my mom say. For a moment, the pounding stops and I hear my mom's gasp just as something hits the floor. My mom doesn't say anything else then—_what did she do to her?—_and then the pounding continues. And now that she's so near, I can make out every words that she says very clearly.

"You son of a bitch! Come out from your room, don't be a coward! You've killed my son and you're gonna pay for it! Open the damn door, you Seam slut! I swear to god I will rip you off into pieces, or even blow you into bits like those poor miners! You know damn well you don't deserve to be alive!"

I hug my legs tighter as I finally realize whose voice it is. Right at that moment, the door finally cracks open and the woman barges in. She finds me at the corner and lunges at me.

The same woman I saw that night five years ago in the middle of the rain, the one who had left a red mark on Peeta's cheek right before he threw me the loaves of bread, puts her hand around my neck as she forces me to stand up, and smashes my head onto the wall. I close my eyes, and let Mrs. Mellark do whatever she wants to do to me.

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><p><strong>AN: uuuuh, cliffy. Sorry if you find this really short but I really need to end it right there. Anyways, tell me whatcha think :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I'm the worst person ever. I'm sorry for not updating for more than a month—don't worry, I hate me too. Just blame my sudden writer's block! (And I'm really sorry that this chapter is only a filler. My brain is just… ugh.)**

**But anyway, happy summer :D**

**If you don't mind, I'm going to promote something here. So, starting a few weeks ago, I'm writing a story on Wattpad. It's called "Seven Months to Fall in Love". I really hope you guys have time to check it out. Here's the synopsis: **

**_Abigail Brooks never dates anyone in her entire life. The reason is simple; she doesn't trust boys. But when the handsome, red-haired Matt Broody steps into the school, everything changes._**

**_She finds herself having a stupid little crush on Matt, and it seems like it won't go away. It becomes harder for her to try to forget Matt when his cousin, Jeremy, steps in and finds out that she likes the redhead, and goes to challenge her to date Matt within the school year._**

**_If she suceeds, Jeremy swears on his grandmother's grave he'll do anything she wants him to do, no matter how stupid it is. And if she fails, she has to go on a date with him instead._**

**_But what if she falls for Jeremy instead? And what if she finds out that she only has seven months left to live?_  
><strong>

**www. wattpad story / 1407568-seven-months-to-fall-in-love (_remove all the spaces_)**

**I hope you're interested :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games, **_**nope**_**.**

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><p><em>I thought that dreams belonged to other men<br>Cause each time I got close  
>They'd fall apart again<em>

_I feared my heart would beat in secrecy_  
><em>I faced the nights alone<em>  
><em>Oh, how could I have known<em>  
><em>That all my life I only needed you<em>

"Almost Paradise" – Victoria Justice ft. Hunter Hayes

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><p><em>You know damn well you don't deserve to be alive.<em>

Those words keep ringing in my ears , blocking me from thinking of _anything else_. She's right. I know I don't deserve to be alive, not when Peeta and the other tributes are dead. So why not kill me now? Why is she loosening her grip on my neck? Why did she stop slamming my head against the wall? Why did she stop kicking and hitting my abdomen, my leg, my thighs, my whole body?

I see a form of a man dragging Mrs. Mellark away from me while she screams and fights and struggles, and then I feel myself slump down against the wall. My head feels dizzy, my eyes are blurry, and all these voices around me are making my ears ache. I feel blood running from the back of my head down my neck, but I couldn't care less. I deserve to die, why am I not dead?

"Katniss? Katniss, can you hear me?" I hear a girl's voice calling my name over and over again. It could be Prim, but I'm not sure because my eyes can't see very clearly. She's crying and I really want her to stop. I don't like seeing her cry. I don't want to see people get hurt. But why won't she stop crying?

Another voice calls my name, but now it's a boy. No, not a boy, but more like a man. A different man, not the one who dragged that woman away. I blink my eyes a few times and—thank God, my eyes finally start to focus. The man who's kneeling in front of me is Gale, and the girl is really Prim. Gale is putting his arm around my neck, but then he freezes. He must've touched my blood. He pulls back his arm and stares at it. His eyes widen but then he gently turns my head to examine it, and I can feel his muscles tense. He closes his eyes for a moment before re-putting his arm around my neck more carefully, and then he puts his other arm under my leg and he carries me to my bed.

As gentle as he tries to be, I still moan when my head meets my bed. "I'm sorry, Catnip," he whispers shakily. I want to speak but I can't. It hurts. Everything hurts. I want it to stop hurting, but I deserve the pain anyway.

Slowly, I turn my head to Prim. "Prim…" I manage to say. She squeezes my hand, letting me know that she's still there and not going anywhere. "M-mom…?"

"She's alright, Katniss. She'll be here soon, don't worry."

Suddenly, the throbbing in my head intensifies. If one second ago it felt horrible, right now it's ten times more painful. I wince and grit my teeth. "H-hurts…"

"I know. Sssh, it's gonna be alright, Katniss," Prim says between her quiet sobs. She wipes at her eyes and buries her face on Gale's chest, who remains silent. He just stares at me for a while before shaking his head and looking down, and then he kisses the top of Prim's head. I want to cry, but crying hurts. Everything hurts like hell.

I hear the door open and Mom comes in, though her steps look a little limp. I guess her healer sense is kicking in, because she immediately shooes Gale and orders Prim to get her medical kit.

They leave the room so there's only me and Mom here. I notice the slight bump on her forehead and I know right away that it was really her who hit the floor. Mrs. Mellark hurt her, probably pushed her down to the floor harshly. But I'm thankful that Mom doesn't seem to be in a pain.

She gently examines my injuries and takes a deep breath. "Katniss, honey…" she begins, and then much like Gale, she shakes her head and looks down. "I'm so… sorry. I should've tried harder to stop her, I should have—"

"Mom," I whisper hoarsely. My throat hurts. It hurts to breath too. I don't know if Mrs. Mellark crushed my windpipe but it hurts. "It—it's okay. I… deserve this."

"No, Katniss, you don't. Listen to me. Whatever that woman said was not true. You shouldn't put the blame on yourself, okay? She's wrong. Don't believe every single word that came out of her mouth."

I don't have time to argue because Gale rushes back into the room and taps Mom on the shoulder. She turns around and they talk for a while. Gale gives something to Mom and turns to leave, and then she looks back at me and smiles softly.

"Now, just rest, okay? Everything will be fine. I promise."

I feel a prick on my arm, and then I feel nothing but darkness.

* * *

><p>When I wake up, the throbbing in my head hasn't gone, but the pain has lessened. My eyes are also blurry, but not as bad as before. I hear Prim talking with Mom, and then she stops once she realizes that I'm awake.<p>

Prim wipes her eyes and smiles. "Hi, Katniss."

"Hi, little duck," I speak with my hoarse voice. "Water?"

She nods and gets a glass of water from my bedside table, and I take a few gulps. After mumbling my thanks, Prim clutches my hand. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," I automatically say. But I don't wanna lie to Prim, so I correct myself. "Better."

I slowly sit up and let her help me find the most comfortable position. But then I notice that mom is no longer in the room. "Where's mom?" I ask Prim.

"She just went downstairs. Do you want me to get her?"

I think about it for a moment, and then slightly shake my head. "No, it's okay. Is mom…?"

"She's fine, Katniss. Mrs. Mellark didn't do anything to her," she tells me softly. But I know she's wrong. That woman laid a hand on my mom, who has nothing to do with her son's death. I feel rage building inside me and I try to calm myself by smiling at Prim.

"What about you, little duck? Are you okay?" I ask, stroking her hair.

"I am now that I know you're feeling better," she gives me a big smile that makes me chuckle. "Katniss, will you be okay if I go downstairs for a moment? I'll be back really fast."

I tell her that it's okay and she leaves my room, closing the door behind her. For a while I just lay there on my new bed, in my new bedroom, in my new, huge house. It feels strange. I'm used to sleeping with Prim on a tiny old bed, in a small room, but now I have a double bed, and a bedroom as wide as my old house. I run my hand on the thick blanket that's covering my body, and I shudder at its softness. I remember the dirty blanket that we used to have. It was much thinner than this.

Carefully, I try to sit up without hurting my head. Once I can rest my back on the headboard, I relax and close my eyes.

My life is different now, and it's not just about the crazy amount of money that I have. I've changed, too. I'm not a hunter anymore, but a victor. A killer, a monster, and a soon-to-be Haymitch Abernathy. With guilt heaving on my hands, I can imagine how hard it is to be him—or actually, I don't. I haven't mentored anyone. I have never failed anyone other than Peeta and his family. Yet.

But Haymitch? For years he hadn't managed to bring his tributes back home. Now I understand why he needs all those bottles of alcohol.

"You don't need to be Haymitch," Peeta's voice filled the emptiness in this room. "One Haymitch is enough for this district," he adds lightly.

I shrug. "I think he's not that bad."

He pauses for a while, and then he says softly. "I'm sorry about my mom."

I shrug again. "Not her fault that you died."

"I thought—_I really thought —_we were past this," Peeta grunts.

"Her son was killed. It's okay for her to go mad. Especially at me," I mumble quietly.

"She has no right to put the blame on you and hurt you like that. She doesn't understand that—_ugh, Katniss, _do I really have to tell you again?_—_I made the choice, I wanted you to win. She doesn't understand that you weren't the one who chose the way things happened," he states firmly. And then he mutters, "And it's not that she ever cared when I was alive."

At that, I look up to see him. And then I whisper really softly. "I'm sorry, Peeta."

He chuckles dryly. "It's okay, Katniss. I just don't understand why she started to care when I was no longer alive."

I pause for a moment and close my eyes. Flashes of the night when he saved me start to flood back into my mind. "She hit you that night, when you gave me the bread. Because you burned it."

"Yeah," he nods.

"It wasn't the first time," I say, and he nods. "And it wasn't the last time either." He nods again. "I hate her."

He just smiles sadly. "At least now she can't hurt me anymore," he says. "And I guarantee you that she will never _ever_ hurt you like that ever again."

I raise an eyebrow at him. "How?"

He lifts the corner of his lips into a smirk. "The same way I scared the crap outta you. Sort of."

I feel myself smiling too. I know it's bad to joke about his death and his… "ability" as a ghost, but the way he looks at me just makes me want to smile and joke along. "You scared the crap outta her too? How? Visiting her on Friday the 13th?"

He shakes his head and laughs. "Good one, but no. She's not you, I can't just visit her like that. But I _might_ have come to her dream last night. And I saw her when she woke up this morning; she was deathly pale. She might have pissed her pants in her sleep."

"God, Peeta," I chuckle. "I can't believe you."

He shrugs, "Oh, well." And then he suddenly snaps his head toward the door. "Someone's coming."

"You'll be back later, right?" I ask in a small voice. I like being with him, even though he's not completely here. But his presence just helps me think straighter than when I am alone. He reminds me that he never blames me. He lets me know that he can keep me safe. He makes me smile and laugh despite the circumstances.

I just need to see him. He makes me feel safe. He make me feel better.

When he turns back to me, a smile is playing on his lips. "Of course, Katniss."

* * *

><p>Gale never comes.<p>

Almost two weeks has passed since the incident happened, and he never came to see me. The last time I saw him was before mom gave me drug to fall asleep. Morphling, Prim told me. Madge came a few days ago and told me that the morphling belonged to her mother. But Gale never did come, not even once.

I think I miss him.

My head is getting better now. Sometimes it still hurts, but not as bad. Mom told me that the injuries that I have aren't as bad as she thought they were. I should be fine soon. In fact, I think I am fine now. This Sunday I'm planning on visiting the woods. Maybe I will hunt, maybe I won't. But I've missed that place so much, and there's a chance that Gale will be there too.

Other than Madge, surprisingly, Haymitch came to see me yesterday, holding a flask in his hand. He just sat on the chair next to my bed and taking sips of his liquor. He said a few words, asking me if I was okay, and then the room fell silent again. Before he finally left half an hour later, he awkwardly patted my shoulder and walked away.

Peeta wasn't lying when he said that he would be back. That night, he did come again, and stayed with me until my eyes fluttered shut. A while later, I woke up from a nightmare of Prim being eaten by mutts with Cato's eyes, and Peeta was there to tell me that Prim was fine, that what I saw in my dreams weren't real. He whispered soothing words in my ear, and soon, I fell into a dreamless sleep.

Not like Gale, Peeta is always here. Sometimes, it makes me feel better, but sometimes it just grows a weird feeling inside my chest. Something like longing, something that I've never felt before, something that I completely don't understand. Sometimes when he whispered those reassuring words when I was awoken from the nightmares, I felt myself wishing that I could touch him, that he would hold me in his arms and let the heat radiates from his body until I fall asleep.

If he was really here only to finish his business that he left in this world, then I never want him to. What will happen once he's done? Will he leave me alone? I don't want him to go. I need him to keep me sane. I need him to keep me from breaking into pieces. I need him to make me whole again, to fix what's left of me. Without him, I don't know what I'm gonna be.

He's all I have now, the only person who understands me. Gale left me, or at least I think he did. But even if he still wants to be my friend, my _best_ friend, our relationship will be different because I'm not the same person I used to be. He wouldn't understand. Prim is too young to understand the pressure that I have, the guilt that I have to carry everyday until the day I die. Mom is out of the options; I can't trust her anymore, especially with this issue. And the relationship that I have with Madge isn't the kind where I can just tell her everything that I have in mind.

I only have Peeta, and I want him to always be with me. Simply because I need him.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Yes, she finally realizes that she needs him :)**

**Nope, this is far from the end. And sorry if this was suckish. But tell me what you think of this chapter!**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: THANK YOU EVER SO MUCH for all your support for this story! I still can't believe we've passed a hundred reviews! I'm so happy right now :)**

**I got a LOT of suggestions about bringing Peeta back to life or taking his soul into Gale's body. You guys really do love Peeta that much do you? Not that I don't love him though…**

**But I'm really sorry to disappoint you… He's gone and he will never come back as a **_**human, **_**and he will not take over Gale's body because Gale's not completely disappeared into the thin air. I'm really sorry, but thanks for all the ideas though! I appreciate it very much.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games, and all the lyrics I've put in the chapters. I only own my old, rusty laptop—oh wait, the laptop belongs to my dad, not me. So, yeah. I really own nothing.**

* * *

><p><em>If I'm a bad person, you don't like me<em>

_Well I guess I'll make my own way_

_It's a circle, a mean cycle_

_I can't excite you anymore_

_Where's your gavel? Your jury?_

_What's my offense this time?_

_You're not a judge but if you're gonna judge me_

_Well sentence me to another life_

"Ignorance" - Paramore

* * *

><p>I woke up early Sunday morning. I slipped into my father's old jacket and left the house before Prim and mom woke up, and I walked straight to the fence for the first time after all these weeks hiding in my bedroom.<p>

Once I got there, I gathered my weapons that were still kept in its hiding place, just the way I left them. I doubt Gale had ever touched them when I was in the Capitol.

Half an hour later, I already shot a few squirrels and a rabbit. After skinning and gutting the animals, I stuff them into my game bag. And that's when I hear the silent footsteps that I know better than anyone else.

The footsteps are light, most people won't even notice that the person is there. But my ears are hunter's ears, even after the Capitol had fixed one of my ears, I still can hear very clearly, if not better. Besides, the footsteps sound familiar to me. It's not hard to tell whose feet are carefully making their way toward me.

"Catnip?"

I stand up from where I was kneeling and turn around to see him. Right after my eyes find his, I look down at my feet. "Good to finally see you," I mutter. And then I turn back to my stuffs, to clean my bloody knife and arrows.

Gale sighs, clearly noticing that I am indeed upset. I feel him taking a few steps closer to me, and then he kneels beside me. "I'm sorry, Katniss."

I don't even look up. I just jerk my head into a slight nod without even pausing what I was doing.

"You just don't understand," he says. "It's hard for me to look at you, and—"

"What? And finally realizing how much of a monster I am?" I snap at him, loosening my grip on the knife before I hurt someone with it. "I get it, Gale. I really do."

He frowns, his eyebrows knitted together. "No. You don't get it."

I'm never good with words, so I just stay quiet. Done with my bag and everything in it, I stand up to make my way back to the fence. I hear him following me behind, but I don't look back when I stumble with my words, "It's good that you finally… see that…," I sigh, stopping in my track, "I'm not… I'm not who I was before the reaping day, Gale. You know that. And maybe… maybe we can't…"

"Stop it, Katniss."

"No, I'm serious," I grunt. "You hate the Capitol. And now I'm one of them."

He lets out a dry laugh. "You're not one of them."

"But I am," I tell him quietly. "You saw what I did. I _pleased_ them, did what they wanted me to. I killed my…" I trail off. My… my what? What was Peeta to me?

He pauses before speaking, his voice barely above a whisper. "Did you love him?"

I don't answer, and it just makes his words sound so desperate.

"Did you, Katniss? Or was it all really just an act?"

Instead of answering his question, I say, "I understand if you don't… If we can't be friends again."

"You can't do that to me," he whispers angrily. "I… Katniss, I'm still your friend. Your best friend. I don't care who you really think you are now, I don't care what they say about you, I don't care about all that. Damn it, you're my friend, Katniss. And it's not gonna change."

"Really, Gale? Tell me you don't mind about all those _money_ that I have now. That I will never have to hunt to feed my family again, not like you. That I can just point my finger on every food I want to eat now. Tell me you don't care about that. And _tell me, Gale_, that you don't mind seeing me in those silly dresses the Capitol picked for me to wear in front of the whole nation. That I'm just as shallow as them," I hiss angrily. But he just needs to know that it won't be the same. I want him to be sure that he can accept the fact that I'm just a piece of the Capitol's games, and that he, and even I, can't do anything about that.

He stomps over, standing in front of me, and looks dead into my eyes. "Get over yourself."

And then he walks away, but I'm sure he still hears when I whisper, "I have."

* * *

><p>After Gale left, I went back into the woods, with rage boiling inside me. I just shot my arrows randomly; some of them lodged themselves into some trees, some of them actually hit a few animals right in their eyes, some of them just flew up into the sky and crashed into the ground.<p>

But I refuse to shed any tears.

I end up sitting in front of the lake where my father used to bring me. He taught me how to swim here. Sometimes he sang as we sat on these large rocks, and I was mesmerized to see the birds actually fell quiet as he opened his mouth to let the tunes fill the silence. I miss him. He would know what to do and say to me. He would understand, but he's not here anymore.

But I have Peeta. Or do I really?

"Where are you, Peeta?" I say quietly into the air.

A voice from my left lets me know that I'm not alone. "Right here."

"He doesn't understand," I say after a few moments of silence.

He doesn't say anything, but from the corner of my eyes, I see him nodding to let me know that he's listening. Of course he's listening. It's the reason why he's here, to listen to whatever crap that's bugging me. He's the only one I'm willing to show my vulnerability to, because he doesn't judge. He understands.

"I'm glad you're here," I say, admitting out loud. "At least I still have someone to talk to. Someone who, I'm sure, won't spill out my secrets to everyone else."

He chuckles. "Yeah. I won't ever tell anyone about whatever you're telling me now."

I put on a small smile on my face, and then I turn to him. "How can you be here but not my father? I miss him. I want to see him, Peeta."

"I don't know," he says softly, his lips turning into a slight frown. "And I'm sorry, Katniss. I can't make him here."

"It's okay. Not your fault," I lift a shoulder into a small shrug. And then, out of curiosity, I ask, "Have you met him up there? You know, in heaven… or wherever you're supposed to be now. I don't understand how afterlife works, sorry."

"No, I haven't," he says, laughing lightly. "I don't understand how that works either, you know. After I died, I found myself standing inside the hospital room where they kept you, and I freaked out. I mean, how could I be dead and still can stand there next to your bed?"

I raise an eyebrow. "Really? You never told me that."

"Well, you never asked," he shrugs. "I didn't want to scare you off at first, so I kept hiding from you. Besides, I didn't think you could see me, because nobody else did. "

"But you did scare me off at last," I roll my eyes and he laughs again.

"Yeah. I just didn't think you'd see me, but then your eyes were fixed on me and your body froze, your face went pale, and I knew you could. I didn't know if I should feel relieved that you could see me or freak out again because, well, you could see me, and you weren't supposed to."

I don't say anything for a while, just scrunching my eyebrows together. "This is all weird."

"I know, right," he says with a grin, and I let myself smile too. At first, I didn't like talking about this, about his death and how he'd taken it so easily. But, well, I eventually got used to it. I mean, I can't mourn forever, right? I should be grateful that I'm still given the chance to see him.

"And," he continues, "I'm glad I'm here, too."

* * *

><p>Days come and pass, and suddenly it's only two weeks before the Victory Tour. I feel so old. So much has happened in these past months, a lot has changed since Prim's name was pulled out of the reaping ball. One year ago I was just Katniss Everdeen, sister of Primrose Everdeen, a hunter, a poor kid from the Seam, never been kissed. And then the games happened, and I wasn't a hunter anymore but a tribute. I shared my first kiss with my late fellow tribute in the cave, when he was slowly dying of blood poisoning and I was desperately trying to keep us both alive. And then I came out as a victor, which left me no more worry of having no food to serve on the table.<p>

Everything has changed, and I don't know if it was for the better or worse. Probably the latter.

But at least my family is not starving anymore.

Since that day in the woods, Gale never came to see me, and neither did I to him. He works everyday in the mines, leaves his house at the crack of dawn and comes back when the sun sets. Sunday is his only day off, meaning the only day of the week when he can hunt in the woods, meaning no hunting for me. And so far, never have we walked into each other at all.

Which is good because I have nothing to say to him.

I come to see his family almost everyday, though. When his brothers are off to school, I visit Hazelle and little Posy. Sometimes I bring the games I hunt earlier in the morning. Sometimes I bring some coins for Hazelle to keep—at first she refused, but I insisted she took it, so she did. Sometimes I just come empty-handed, and end up helping her do some chores. We never bring up anything that involves Gale or the games. All we talk about is the weather, Prim and mom, and the younger Hawthornes. Fine by me.

Madge and I grow closer by day. She would come to my house to chat with Prim and mom, and sometimes I would come to hers to learn how to play piano. I found out that every victors have to have a specific talent, and I tried for music, which I completely failed. Singing is a big no—it's something personal to me, something that I wouldn't share to anybody else but my close ones. So, Madge tried to teach me to play piano. At first, I managed to play some simple tunes but eventually I ended up just listening to the old songs that Madge played. We decided that we should scratch music from the list.

But even after she stopped teaching me, we still come to each other's houses a lot. And of course, we don't talk about anything around the games. And apparently, Madge knows me better, and she never mentions Gale at all either. That is why I like her.

A few days ago, when I was still trying to learn piano in her house, she told me that she had never been to the Seam before. I asked her if she wanted to go there, and her face lit up with excitement. So now, here we are, on our way back from the Seam to the town.

We visited my old house and stayed for a few minutes, and then we stopped by at the Hawthornes. As usual, Hazelle and Posy were home, as were Rory and Vick, and Gale was nowhere in sight. Posy instantly liked Madge and said, "I want her to be my sister!" and then Vick quipped, "Well, she has to marry one of your brothers first, Pose," and I swear I saw Madge blush deep red. I felt a little bit uncomfortable at the implication that there was something going on between Madge and Gale during the time I was in the games. But neither Madge nor I brought it up after we said our goodbyes to the family.

Our footsteps soon lead us to the fence, and we stop just a few steps away. Not because we're afraid to get caught being oustide the district—turns out Madge herself has a "rebellious mind" and won't mind going outside, she even said that she wanted me to teach her how to hunt—but because I hear something buzzing. It's the fence. It's turned on, elecrified. And Madge and I don't wanna risk getting barbecued alive, so we take a few steps backwards.

"So, I guess we'll just go back to town now," she sighs.

I shrug, "Why don't we just stay out here for a while?"

She smiles in agreement, and then she finds the perfect spot to sit on. We both sit on the grass and look up at the darkening sky above us. I didn't even realize that sun is already going down.

We both fall into our usual comfortable silence. She closes her eyes and so do I, and a few minutes pass until she speaks up.

"It looks so clear out here. The moon. The stars. Everything."

I peel my eyelids open and nod, "Yes. There are too many lights in town."

She agrees, "Yeah. That totally sucks."

For a moment I feel like the old Katniss. The one who just sat quietly at the lunch table with the Mayor's daughter. The one who sold fresh berries to her along with Gale. The one who didn't have ghosts from the arena, free from the nightmares of mutts and Rue's last wish and Cato's eyes. The one who "_only" _had to worry about feeding Prim. I can't decide which kind of life I prefer to live, though.

"Hey, Katniss?"

"Hm?"

"Watch out what you guys are saying in your house. I forgot to tell you, but before you came home, I saw people from the Capitol 'fixing' your house. They said they were only re-painting the walls, but I think they were putting surveillance cameras and voice recorders in your house," she says quietly.

I frown, though I can't say I'm completely surprised. Of course they would do that, but, "Why would they do that?"

"I don't know," she shrugs, "to control us?"

Well, if the Victors' houses are bugged, that explains why Haymitch never has his house cleaned. I bet he purposely throws his clothes and his bottles and all his uneaten meals all over his house to cover up the hidden cameras and voice recordes, so that they get nothing from him. Not bad.

I can't help but ask, "Is your house bugged, too?"

"I don't know. Maybe yes. I mean, my dad is…" she trails off and gives me a half-shrug. "But we've always been careful. Especially with the phones—you'll never know who might be listening to your conversations."

"I guess you're right," I say. I'm thankful that I rarely talk about anything negative about the Capitol, nor do ever Prim or mom. But… what if _they_ see me talking to _myself_ in my room?

I decide not to care. They can call me crazy and insane or whatever they have in mind. Maybe I am crazy—after all, I'm seeing a _ghost_.

I look down at my lap, but my eyes catch the sight of the mockingjay pin that's fastened on my shirt. I always wear it around Madge, to let her know that I'm grateful for her gift. But we've never talked about it. I take the pin off my shirt and lightly brush my thumb on it. "Tell me about this pin," I ask quietly, not really expecting her to say anything.

She falls silent for a moment before gently takes the pin from my hand and smiles. "Well, as you know, this is a mockingjay pin. My mother told me that it's made of pure gold, but that wasn't what makes this pin precious. This pin has been passed through generations of my mother's family, ever since the Dark Days."

"If it belonged to your family… then why did you give it to me?"

She shrugs. "I don't know. I guess it's because you needed something that reminds you of me, of home, of your family. So I gave it to you."

"I've never thanked you before… so, thank you," I say, giving her a small smile. She nods as if saying _you're welcome._

"Anyway," she continues and then takes a deep breath. "The last person who wore it before me was my aunt."

Madge has an aunt? I never knew it before.

"Her name was Maysilee. Maysilee Donner," she says softly, her eyes glued to the pin in her hand, her fingers stroking the golden ring.

Maysilee Donner. Mrs. Undersee's sister, as her maiden name was Donner. Her name rings a bell, but I'm not sure where I've heard that name before. And Madge said "was", meaning…"

Upon seeing the confusion on my face, she explains. "She was reaped during the second Quarter Quell."

She got reaped. She was a tribute. The second Quarter Quell. Haymitch's games, and he's the winner. "She didn't make it," I conclude in a small voice.

"Yes," Madge whispers back. "Your mom knew her. I think."

That makes sense since my mom came from town, just like Madge's family. But Maysilee… Madge… a part of her family had been reaped, too, though it was long before we were both born. "I'm sorry."

She gives me a sad smile. "Yeah. Me too." And then she chuckles. "I've always lived in her shadows. You know… Everybody that knew her keeps saying that I look so much like her. Even my mother sometimes forgets that I'm her daughter, not her sister."

I remember how Haymitch accidentally called her "May" a few days ago when she visited the Victor's Village. Now I understand why.

"I just…" she starts, "I just want to be seen as Madge Undersee. I'm not Maysilee, I'm never gonna be her. I'm not strong like her—even though she died at last, she made it to the last five. If I were in the games, I'd probably be dead on the first day."

"Don't say that, Madge," I whisper softly.

"But it's true," she says, looking down at the pin and wipes her eyes. She's been crying. "I'm tired of being compared to someone who I didn't even know."

I've never been good at comforting people, seriously, so it feels kind of awkward for me to sit beside the crying girl. Hesitantly, I lift my hand up and place it on her shoulder, patting it reassuringly. Thankfully, she looks up and smile at me.

"I'm sorry, Katniss. I shouldn't be talking about this to you. Let's just… go back to town."

I nod and we both stand up. As we began to walk to town, I'm starting to feel like I can trust Madge with my… _issues—_not the one that involves Peeta, of course, I don't wanna scare her off. But I think I can talk to her somehow, about the games. She trusts me, so why can't I trust her too?

"They killed his family," Madge whispers carefully, breaking me out of my thoughts.

I look at her, confused, "Hm?"

"Haymitch. They killed his whole family. Have you seen his games?"

I furrow my eyebrows. "No… I haven't."

She takes my hand and leads me to her house. "Watch it with me. My father won't come back until midnight, and he has the recordings of all the games in his study."

I bite my lower lip and ask, "Your mother?"

She smiles. "Don't worry about her."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Because I love Madge so **_**freaking**_** much, and I want her to be an important part of the story. You will be seeing her a **_**lot**_** ;)**

**I think our **_**"lovely"**_** President Snow will make an appearance in the next chapter. Or probably the next one after that. You know it won't be a good news, don'tcha? So brace yourselves!**

**Sorry if I made some mistakes in this chapter. But, leave me some reviews and tell me what you think! :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Sorry for the lack of Peeta in the last chapter! And I'm so so so so so so sorry for not updating for one freaking year! Things have been crazy and I haven't been working on anything fanfic-ish, but I'm here now and hopefully I'll be able to update more frequently!**

**Your reviews are wonderful, thanks for all your support!**

**Some of you might be wondering where this story will be going, and how is it possible that Katniss will end up with Peeta if he's already dead, but I can't answer it. I'm not gonna spoil all the fun! So for now, enjoy the story aaaand keep wondering :)**

**Disclaimer: Nope, THG, as well as the songs in this chapter and every other chapter, are not mine.**

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><p><strong>Recap:<strong>

_Katniss met with Gale and they had a fight because she assumed that Gale hated her now that she was a victor. They hadn't seen each other for weeks even though she visited his family almost everyday whenever he was working in the mines._

_Peeta "visited" her not long after Gale left from their fight that day, and Katniss slowly accepted his death and she tried to get used to seeing him even though he was dead._

_Meanwhile, Katniss bonded with Madge and they spent a lot of time together, but they never talked about anything that involved Gale and/or the games. She took Madge to the Seam one day and had a short talk about The Capitol and Haymitch's games. Madge ended up bringing Katniss into her house and they watched Haymitch's games together._

* * *

><p><em>From the first time we heard this<br>We were quick to believe  
>That light on the surface was dark underneath<br>Knew enough to be nervous but we just couldn't quick_

_Stay around  
>Tell me that we're better off now<br>Wait it out  
>Tell me that we're better off now<em>

"Better Off Now" - Trent Dabbs

* * *

><p>Madge has to look away when the candy-pink bird stabs its mouth into her aunt's neck repeatedly. She still looks away when Haymitch comes to find her covered in blood and slowly dying.<p>

Without a word, he takes her hand and holds it as she coughs blood, as her eyelids slowly closed. He still has her hand in his when the cannon finally fires, and for a moment he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before finally letting go and walks away to let the hovercraft take her body.

Haymitch looks so young on the TV, so different than he does now. He has the typical Seam looks, dark hair and gray eyes, and the look of survivor on his face. He has this determined look on his face, a strong will to win and go home. And he's confident. He's sure that he's gonna win. He has proven his confidence in his interview.

And then it's down to two. Him and a girl with an axe.

While Haymitch looks like a true fighter, everything in this girl screams murderer. Scars and wounds are all over her body, but the look of thirst of blood is still evident in her eyes. The way she looks at Haymitch is dangerous, like she's already imagining chopping his body off into pieces. Like she already has everything planned to leap onto the boy and end him in a merciless death.

But he barely flinches. He just looks at her with a blank expression on his face, which a while later changes into a challenging look. A fight is surely to be expected, but they are both strong. The fight feels forever, like it'll never end. And when they're both finally drained out of energy, Haymitch simply falls onto his knees, weaponless, blood dripping all over his body. He lets the girl throw her axe at him, and lets the weapon fly past him and into the cliff, barely missing his head by a few inches without a fight, as if he already knew that her aim wouldn't be as good as it had been before—so why bother wasting his energy by dodging?

And his face remains emotionless as the axe flies back magically, embedding itself right into the unexpecting girl's head, killing her in an instant.

Madge turns off the TV after that, not wanting to continue with the crowning ceremony and the Victory Tour. We've had enough for a night.

"So that's why," I murmur quietly. "The Gamemakers were mad because Haymitch used the force field as a weapon."

Madge nods beside me. "And he got punished."

Then we both just sit in silence, our thoughts filling our own heads. Until I glance at the clock on the wall and realize that it's way late already. I tell Madge, "I think I'll go home now."

"Yeah, you should," Madge says, walking me to the front door. "Be careful, Katniss. See you tomorrow."

I nod. "See you tomorrow."

The walk to Victor's Village is, of course, so quiet. Most people are already asleep, though you can still faintly hear the noise from the small bar in town. I can see some men lurking in the shadows, alcohol in hand, doing whatever drunks do when they're wasted. But I know for sure they won't do anything to me. Sober or not, they know not to mess with me, Katniss Everdeen, the most recent victor of the Hunger Games, an expert with bow and arrows. Touch me and you'll find an arrow embedded into your head.

When I get home, both my mom and Prim are already asleep. I lock the door and go upstairs to my room quietly. Fortunately, my footsteps are as silent as always, so I have no problem walking to my room without waking up anyone.

"Hey, Katniss," Peeta says as I close the door, making me jump in surprise.

"Gosh, you startled me," I whisper, putting a hand on my chest. I fake a glare and he just grins sheepishly at me.

"You should really get used to this, Katniss," he lightly says, plopping himself down on one side of my bed.

I walk over to the opposite side of my wide, king-sized bed and lie down across it so that my head is near Peeta's backside, staring up at the ceiling. I study the light, dimly shining above me, but enough to help me see the whole room completely. It's been weeks but I still find it mesmerizing in some ways; living in the town, having these kinds of luxuries. When I was in the Seam, nights were dark unless you stayed outside under the stars and the moonlight. But now, it almost feels like the moon's here. But it's not. And frankly, I don't know which one I like better. The moon or the artificial light.

"So," Peeta starts and I dart my gaze onto his. "Where have you been?"

I shrug. "Just hanging out with Madge."

"That so?" he asks, and I nod. "What did you guys do?"

He looks down over his shoulder at me as I give him a small smirk. "Girl stuff."

Peeta makes a face. "No details, please."

A small, yet genuine laugh bubbles out from my lips. "I'm kidding. I took her to the Seam and we helped the Hawthornes," I say lightly, and then add in a murmur. "I think they like her."

I avoid Peeta's eyes but I still can feel the curious gaze he's set on me. "That's good, right?"

"We haven't talked," I blurt out. "Me and Gale, I mean."

He nods slowly. "I know. I'm sorry about that. He's… he has no right to act like… this."

"Mm-hm," I hum. "But I feel like… Gale and Madge have been sneaking around, you know? His mother didn't seem so surprised that Madge came over and his sister really… loved her."

He shifts himself so now we're both lying across my bed, somehow our heads side-to-side. "That upsets you," he states, not asks.

"It's just weird. Gale used to really, strongly dislike her and now it seems like…" I weakly half-shrug. "It's like they're hiding something from me and it just bothers me."

"Well if it makes you feel any better, you're also sneaking around behind their backs. With me," he says slyly.

I roll my eyes. "Sure, Peeta. Sure." I sigh and turn my head to face him, only to blink in shock because he's also turning his head to my side and I didn't realize that we're lying so close that our noses almost touch… if they could touch at all. "Uh," I clear my throat and face the ceiling. "We watched Haymitch's games earlier."

"You did?" he sounds surprised. "How was it? I've never seen it before."

"Mm-hm, and I know why now," I say lowly, remembering Madge's warning about the hidden bugs. "Haymitch played dirty during the final battle."

He makes a small sound, letting me know that he's listening intently.

"Did you know that there was a high cliff in one side of the arena? It's protected by this kind of magnetic force or something so that you can't jump off and kill yourself, because the force will only bounce you back. And it will bounce everything that falls off that cliff."

"Okay," he shakes his head in understanding, but the question lies behind his tone. _And then_?

"Haymitch fought a career tribute during the end. They fought near that cliff. It was so bloody and violent… It was almost worse than seeing Cato…" I choke up and shake my head. "She—the career tribute—had an axe that she didn't use until the very last minute of the games. Haymitch kneeled very close the cliff, facing the career when she threw that axe toward him. But he didn't move."

"The axe didn't hit him?"

"No. Haymitch just let it flew past his ear and let it fall off the cliff."

Silence engulfs both of us, and I wait as the gears turn inside Peeta's head. "It falls off… and bounces back like a boomerang, right?"

I nod. "And it hit the career right into her head. She didn't see it coming."

"Haymitch wasn't supposed to take advantage of that force—hell, I bet he wasn't even supposed to know about it," Peeta exclaimed in wonder. "So that's why we never saw it on TV? Because we aren't supposed to know about it too?"

"I guess so," I say, still in my low tone. "The way I see it… it's almost as if it was an act of rebellion from Haymitch. Like he was mocking the Gamemakers, mocking everyone. He didn't need a weapon to win against a career tribute, to win against the Capitol. Their fire… is what burned themselves in the end."

_"You are indeed a girl on fire, Miss Everdeen," Snow says. "But I shall make sure that the fire you've caught is not going to burn the rest of us."_

But Snow was dead wrong.

"I never caught any fire, Peeta," I whisper in realization. "I only fueled the fire they've already started, and that's what get them so mad. Because I just did what Haymitch had done. I acted and spoke against them."

I sit up. "The words I said in the interviews… the way I got The Capitol people's sympathy from how upset I was over your death…" I shake my head. "I'm playing with their fire right now."

In one second, Peeta is sitting right next to me. I don't know how he could do that so quickly, and I don't want to know. Yet. My mind is somewhere far, far away from any of Peeta's… ghostly abilities.

"Then play harder," Peeta's soft but firm tone gets me to look at him. "Don't stop the fire. Don't let it die with me."

* * *

><p>I play with the tip of my arrow, letting it pierce through the skin of my pointer finger and draw blood. But I hardly feel the pain, almost as if it was so insignificant. I've dealt with worse pain in my life—physical and emotional pain, and a teeny tiny little cut isn't going to hurt me.<p>

I pinch the tip of my finger with my thumb, looking from any kind of pain that can make me flinch but finding none. Red blood runs freely down my finger, and I wipe it onto the large rock I'm sitting on. With the sleeve of my jacket, I clean my blood on the arrow. Then I stand up, load the arrow on my bow, and point it toward a random direction.

I close my eyes, take a slow and deep breath, and let it shoot through the wind.

Walking over the distance, I find my arrow lodged into an eye of a squirrel, and it only makes my chest feel tight. I can never deliver this to Mr. Mellark, not anymore. Not with this fear and shame weighing down my shoulder. I may have already accepted the fact that Peeta is dead and now talking to me as a ghost, but that doesn't mean that I'm anywhere ready to face his flesh and blood.

I'm too ashamed to look at the Mellarks in the eye.

"That's a brilliant shot."

I expected the voice to be Peeta's, but to my surprise, it was Gale's. I turn around so fast that I wonder how I don't get a whiplash, and find a pair of steel grey eyes watching me. Gale takes a step forward hesitantly and carefully, as if he's afraid to approach me, and it makes me scoff.

"No need to be scared of me. I'm not going to lodge an arrow into your chest," I say this in a cold, nonchalant tone but my words crack in the end. I let the bow fall onto the ground and abandon the dead squirrel.

Frustration crosses over Gale's tired face and he sighs. "It's not that, Katniss. I just—I don't know how to face you after what you said to me." He picks his words carefully, afraid that he will touch a sensitive spot. "Why are you mad at me?"

Why am I mad at him? Truthfully? I don't know. I guess it's just that after I came back from all the tears and blood I had to face in the arena, I expected everyone in this district to treat me like dirt. Like how Mrs. Mellark treated me. And it just angered me how Gale didn't hate me after what I've done because I already accepted—or thought that I accepted—his undying hatred for me. But he doesn't hate me. Why doesn't he hate me?

Maybe Gale was right. Maybe I need to get over myself because I haven't.

"You've changed. I know that. But to me, you're still my Catnip."

"That's what you don't get, Gale." I shake my head at him. "I'm not the same Catnip anymore. I need you to accept that."

"Look, no matter what happened, no matter what you think, I'll still be here. Maybe not as often as I'd like to be, but I'm not going anywhere, okay? I don't even care if you live in the town now—maybe it bothered me at first but I learned how to get over it—I'm still Gale and you're still Catnip, and that's all that matters."

It sounds so simple and so easy hearing those words from his mouth, but I'm not going to fool myself. Gale doesn't know anything—and I don't plan on telling him anytime soon—from Snow's subtle threat to my traumatized and mentally screwed up self and to the danger that me and my family is facing right now after what I've done.

But to humor him, I nod. "Okay."

A smile lights up Gale's face, and I smile back because it's been so long since I had last seen him smiling so genuinely. I let him walk over and scoop me into his embrace, and my arm cling tight onto his waist. I need all the physical reassurance I can get since I can't seek it from Peeta or anyone else.

My throat closes up at that thought. I miss him.

"I miss you," Gale murmurs into my head, and guilt creeps into my chest. I'm hugging this man, my best friend, and I'm thinking about Peeta instead. I don't know what to think of that.

"I know. I miss you too."

Slowly, Gale peels himself off of me, but one hand stays on my waist while the other lies gently over my cheeks. His fingers brush the hair on the side of my face, and his gaze is locked on my eyes. I find myself unable to look away, unable to think straight of what to say or do. I stand frozen, arms staying limply on my sides, while Gale's eyes pierced into mine.

"Katniss, I—" he cuts himself as a troubled expression crosses his face. After a few short seconds of silence, he gently grabs my face with both hands and plants his lips on mine. It starts out slow and I'm too shocked to respond, but the kiss gets deeper and deeper and I kiss him back without thinking.

That's when the sight of Peeta's blue eyes flashes into my mind, and I feel like I've just been struck by lightning.

I pull away as fast as I can, and I stare wide-eyed at Gale. He's breathing hard, and his face is a mix of a thousand different expressions that I can't even bother to read. Without a word, I run away after grabbing my bow.

My name echoes through the forest but it doesn't stop me from running away. I stop to leave my bow and arrows in its hiding place, but I waste no time before continuing to run back to my house.

Why did he kiss me?

What did he mean by that kiss?

What am I supposed to think right now?

The sight of big, bulky men standing on my doorstep makes me slow down. Who are these men?

"Katniss," Mom walks out of the door and grip my wrist once I reach the porch. "Someone's here to see you," she says, a wobbly smile on her face, but her eyes shine with fear.

"Okay," I say with a nod. "Who is it?"

Mom ignores my question and just leads me to the living room in silence. "I'll be in the kitchen," she whispers shakily, leaving me standing.

And that's when the smell of blood reach my nostrils, and my gaze falls onto the sight of a man, sitting on one of the loveseats silently, with a sneer on his face.

"Come sit, Miss Everdeen," President Snow says with a hint of a hiss in his voice, gesturing the loveseat across him, and I shiver involuntarily.

I take a deep breath, and sit down, my gaze never leaving his.

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><p><strong>AN: don't you guys just love cliffhangers? *smirks evilly* Don't forget to leave me some reviews, alright? :)**

**Anyway… guys, I've been working on some novels in this website called Wattpad… and I would really love it if you guys could check it out :D**

**Here's the link to my profile: www wattpad com / user / penpaperguitar . Check out my stories and tell me what you think ;)**

**Catch you guys later in the next chapter!**


	10. Chapter 10

_Listen, listen  
>I would take a whisper if that's all you had to give<br>But it isn't, is it?  
>You could come and save me and try to chase the crazy right out of my head<em>

_I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name_  
><em>Like a fool at the top of my lungs<em>  
><em>Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright<em>  
><em>But it's never enough<em>

_Cause my echo, echo_  
><em>Is the only voice coming back<em>  
><em>Shadow, shadow<em>  
><em>Is the only friend that I have<em>

"Echo" - Jason Walker

* * *

><p>"Come sit, Miss Everdeen."<p>

Eyes locked with Snow's, I try hard not to cringe as the smell of blood washes over me like a wave in the ocean when I take a deep breath—I need as much oxygen I can hold when this man is near. My feet bring me closer to the seat he gestured me to sit down on, and I do as he wants me to.

The walls come up, guarding me from any fear or distaste or any other expressions that threaten to show through my whole body. I keep my eyes as blank as possible, face as expressionless as possible, lips as firm as possible, hands as "relaxed" as possible. I try not to show the cold fear that's been gripping my chest since the moment my eyes fell onto this man, or the burning anger that's been making my head hurt and my eyes almost twitch because all I want to do—and the least I can do in this position right now—is glare at him. For letting me stay alive and not die when the hovercraft pulled me up. For making me kill Peeta. For giving me false hopes when the rules changed for the first time. For making me and Peeta go into the games. For bringing these games to life and almost get Prim into them had I not take her place. For ruining thousands and probably even more lives since the Dark Days ended.

My hatred for this man was indescribable. No words can express how much I want to claw his eyes out, tear his chest and rip his heart out if he had one, or at least just smack off that smirk on his face. The sight of him makes me want to turn violent, but this time I wouldn't bat an eye even if I kill him with my bare hands. I would not feel remorse or regret. I would not lose any night of sleep if I could end his life like he ended lives of innocent children every year.

My silence burns the whole room, but it barely fazes him. He simply leans back on his seat and cross his legs, trying to make himself feel comfortable. It takes everything in me not to turn my nose up in disgust.

"How are you, Miss Everdeen?" his snake-like hiss cuts the silence.

I offer him a small tug of my lip. "Fine."

"I see, I see." He nods. "Any… activities you've been doing during your spare time?"

My eyes stare blankly. "Not much." I shrug.

"Yes, of course. There's not much you can do when you're living in the town, yes? The Victor's Village, even," he says in a nonchalant tone, his eyes never leaving mine. He leans forward, picking a grape from the bowl on the coffee table in front of him, and plop it into his mouth. He leans back and chews, while I stay frozen in my seat. "With the luxury like this," he says after he swallows, gesturing to the whole room, "you don't have to do the routines you used to have back when you were living in the Seam. Am I correct?"

I wonder how he can stand listening to his own voice and talking so much words in a hiss without giving himself a headache. "Sure," I say shortly.

A slight smirk appears on his face. He sits straighter. "I do not appreciate individuals who… trespass into my properties, Miss Everdeen. I should tell you that."

Dread washes over me, and my façade almost breaks when his eyes narrow at me. Of course Snow knows. All those years when Gale and I—and our fathers—go out and hunt… he must have known. I wouldn't be surprised if the reaping ball was filled with Prim's name last year. "You should."

If he's frustrated by my short answers, he doesn't show it. He clicks his tongue, a mock-thoughtful expression on his face. "Where were you earlier this morning, Miss Everdeen?"

"I went to the Seam. To visit my aunt and my cousins." Other than the aunt and cousins part, it's not a lie. I really did come to the Hawthornes earlier before I went out to the woods. What I didn't expect was that Gale only had half-day of work, and things got a little bit complicated after that.

A sly, knowing smile replaces the small smirk. "Oh, yes. The lovely cousins. How is the oldest Hawthorne son, may I ask?"

_No, you may not_, I think. But on my face is a tight-lipped smile. "He's fine."

"I see." He nods. "He's a hard worker, isn't he? An ambitious man. A loving son and brother. The kind of man who would do _anything_ for the people he loves," he muses. "Such a pity that his hours in the mines can't make up the money he needs to feed his family. Well, a boy like him shouldn't have had the need to be the head of the family in the first place. Especially when he was so much younger. After he," he picks another green grape, "lost his father in a terrible mining accident." _Plop_. He chews. He swallows. "Just like you."

I hide my clenching fists under my crossed arms. At the same moment, Mom carefully strides into the room, bringing two cups of tea and putting them gently on the coffee table. She bows politely at the President and turns to give me a reassuring smile—that's wobbly and frankly doesn't reassure me at all—and leaves the room in silence.

"A beautiful woman of a mother you have," President Snow says, completely leaving the previous subject. "She used to live here in the town, didn't she? Before she marries your father."

"She did."

He sighs. "And then she lost her husband," he says lowly, almost as if he doesn't want Mom to hear and get offended by his words. "It must have been tough to raise two young daughters by herself."

"It was."

How long will Snow keep his pretenses before he breaks? How long will he continue this… prologue before he gets into the reason why he has the need to visit me, so far away in District 12?

Not so long.

He clears his throat. "_We_ have a problem, Miss Everdeen," he says, once again completely leaving the previous talk. "A problem that may have occurred since the moment you tried to get Peeta to commit suicide with you with those poisonous berries."

And of course, he knows this too. He's Snow. He knows everything. I have nothing to hide. He knows _everything_.

I nearly flinch and he doesn't miss it because a smirk breaks out on his face once again. The mention of Peeta will always be sensitive to me, no matter how much I get to see his face every night.

"Thankfully, you lost them somewhere during your run—the berries, I mean," he says. "It would've been okay if you left it at that, but no. You didn't stop."

The smell of blood grows stronger, but now a rose scent adds into it somehow. My eyes briefly flicker to the snow white rose sitting in Snow's lapel, but the scent is so strong and different that my only guess is that the flower has been genetically enhanced. But why would a genetically enhanced white snow smell like blood, if the blood smell comes from it at all?

"Yes, you killed Peeta—" my heart tightens at that "—and you came out alive and alone, just like every other victors the previous years. But you," his eyes turn into slits, "created… a difference this year. With your slight hesitation before you let go of that arrow. With your… heartfelt words that failed to be blocked during the broadcast of the last minutes of the games. And the latest interview you had. It drove the whole country insane."

To be honest, I saw this coming. But I never expected Snow to actually come and face me to tell this himself rather than giving me his punishment in complete silence. I don't know which one I'd prefer.

"Funny thing is," an amused smile plays on his lips, "this wasn't the first time I had to deal with such a thing. And the funnier thing is that the last time I had to deal with this… was during your mentor's year of glory."

Flashes of Haymitch's games, Madge's words and the realization and conclusion I found when I talked about it to Peeta comes back in full force. I was right. I _am _right. "How is it funny?"

The smile doesn't falter. "I don't expect you to remember Mr. Abernathy's games." But I do. I just watched it yesterday and Snow doesn't know that. He doesn't know that. I have something that Snow doesn't know about; a knowledge, a full knowledge of how Haymitch's game played out. "But things got a little bit ugly after he won—after everyone saw how he won.

"I, frankly, do not plan on seeing another chaos ever again, but the damages have been done once again this time. And I expect you to take good care of it, Miss Everdeen. Just like how your mentor dealt with it." His once light voice has turned into a deep, dangerous hiss even though the smile is still present. And that's what terrifies me the most. How his eyes and lips can betray the anger he lets out on his voice. How many things he can fool and manipulate with his sneaky ways. How many acts he can pull to stop one of my own.

"So there have been some sort of an uprising, am I correct?" I speak in monotone, even though my heart is about to leap with slight hope under the pressure of the fear and anger.

"Not yet," he says with a slight shrug, his voice returning to his earlier tone. "Just some futile attempt of protests, here and there. Nothing the Peacekeepers can't take care of."

The cold dread once again washes over me.

"But it can get worse. And I fear that it will, if you don't stop… this. Whatever you're doing. Whatever you're planning to do." The dangerous tone comes back but a little bit toned down. "Do you know what could happen if the fire does not stop? It burns down everything in sight."

A smirk threatened to appear on my own face, despite the mixed emotions I feel inside me.

"If the protests get bigger, they'll turn into an uprising. And uprisings have been known to lead to revolution." His face turns into one of pained and stressed as he goes to rub the side of his face. "So many lives would go to waste, do you know? The horrors everyone in the districts must have to face with the fight and the possible war this revolution could bring. Believe me when I say, Miss Everdeen, that if the Capitol only loosen the grip on the districts, the entire system would collapse. And it's a nightmare. Not to me, but to everyone else as well. I have lived in the Dark Days and I have seen how terrible life could get, and I wouldn't wish a life like that upon the people that live in my country."

The pain and stress he shows bring me into a slight shock. How genuine they seem. How… sincere he sounds with the words he said in his last speech. Is it true, the concern he has over the lives of the people in the districts? Or is it just another one of his act, his manipulation, and his ways to fool me? Either way, the words can't help but blurt out from my lips. "It must be a fragile system, if some insignificant words of a nobody like me can bring it down."

He stretches out a long pause as he fights over the correct words to say. "The issue here is that, Miss Everdeen, you are unfortunately not just some… nobody as you strongly believe so. Your words aren't considered insignificant to those wishing souls that watch every move your lips make. You are… a victor. And everyone looks up to you."

"I didn't mean to cause any sort of an uprising. That's the last thing on my mind." And it's true. These past few weeks, even months, have been filled with guilt and nightmares over losing Peeta and watching children die in front of my eyes. Before Peeta pointed it out yesterday, creating a chaos was the last thing on my mind. Bringing the Capitol down was never a plan that I had, even though it had its temptations.

"I believe you, but it doesn't matter. You've become a spark, Miss Everdeen. Your stylist has made sure of that, when he turned you into the Girl on Fire. And sadly, if this said spark is left unattended, it can grow to an inferno that destroys Panem."

I blink. "So why not just kill me?"

"Right now? In public's eye?" he shakes his head, taking a sip of his tea. "Some people are smarter than you think, and they can put two and two together pretty quickly."

"Arrange an accident, then."

"Like I said, some people are smart. An _accident_ may be believable to some people, but some other won't buy it. And I'm not risking it."

"What do I do now?" I ask him after a few seconds of strained silence.

He pauses as he narrows his eyes. "Convince me. Convince everyone else that what you did was just a desperate act of love. That it can easily be shrugged off. That it wasn't an attempt of rebellion. That you, in the end, didn't regret killing him because it was the right thing to do—one victor every year. Everyone should believe that Peeta was just another fallen tribute while you are the victor. Don't make them think otherwise. Don't make them think that you could've saved him, because you couldn't have. You aren't trying to defy the Capitol. Convince them that the only reason why you hesitated before killing Peeta was only because you were crazy in love with him. You loved him, didn't you?"

His question corners me. Did I love Peeta? Do I love him? I don't know. Peeta died before I could sort out my feelings. And Haymitch's confirmation about how Peeta's love for me was real only confused me. Even if he did love me, and I do love him, it won't bring me anywhere. He's not here anymore because I was the one who stopped the beat of his heart. Finally, I settle on, "I do." And I wonder if it's only a lie or if it's so much more.

"If you do so," he hums almost in amusement, "then you shouldn't have sneaked out with your… cousin. That's not very convincing, Miss Everdeen."

I grit my teeth as the thought of seeing Gale's lifeless eyes and a bullet hole in his forehead starts haunting my mind. Knowing Snow and what he and his people are capable of, a bullet to Gale's head would only be a blessing. And knowing how risky the actions I've chosen to do, Snow wouldn't be too merciful with his punishment. "He didn't do anything wrong."

"If that's what you want to believe." He shrugs. "Just remember. Convince _me_. Don't let your actions speak otherwise. You've killed one love in your life, you sure don't need to kill some others."

I'm so done with the calm and nonchalant façade I've been trying to put up, and I let my eyes turn hot and cold as I glare at the man before me. "If anyone's to be killed, it's me. Don't touch my family, don't touch my friends, don't touch their families," I state firmly.

"Of course." His smile mocks me in my face. He stands up after finishing his cup of tea. "Remember what I said. See you in the Capitol, Miss Everdeen."

He starts to walk out of the room, his guards escorting him while I sit seething at nothing. Before he left, though, he steals a glance over his shoulder and grins.

"By the way, I know about the kiss."

And then he's gone.

* * *

><p>Mom and Prim have been trying to get a word out of me, but I keep my mouth shut. They don't need to know. They don't need to face the threats and the horrors. As far as they know, we are safe and rich and have nothing to worry about—and it should stay that way. I can't afford to let Mom fall into another depression like she had when Dad died, and I can't afford to let Prim into another nightmare.<p>

I sprint into my room and lock the door, just to emphasize that I do not want to be disturbed. Not now when I need to clear my mind. Snow's words kept replaying back, his hiss ringing in my ear and making my head dizzy.

I spot Peeta, standing patiently by my bed. I approach him, panting as I do so, and collapse onto my bed. My body bounces a little bit, and I scoot over to give space for Peeta even though technically he doesn't take any space.

"What did Snow want?" he asks quietly.

"You weren't there?" I ask back, a bit surprised. "I thought you'd want to at least… eavesdrop the whole conversation."

He looks at me and smiles. "I want to give you as much privacy as you can get. I can't always follow you around, you know. I don't like being a stalker."

His teasing tone gets a weak laugh out of my lips, and I sigh. "So you don't know anything? Ever since the morning?" Even the kiss?

"Nope. I've been staying here all day long."

"Doesn't it get boring?" I question him. "Just… wandering around. Having no directions. I'm the only one who can see you, the only one you can talk to."

"I don't mind," he hums. "Even if you're the only one who can see and hear me. I don't mind."

"Why? You can't even talk to your family. Your brothers, your mother… your father," I choke out.

"Seeing them is enough. I'm fine even though they don't know I'm there," he says softly, putting an arm behind his head. "I see them every night. They're… they're a mess," he confesses.

I can feel my eyes hot with unshed tears. "I'm sorry," I croak. "I'm so sorry."

"No, Katniss, no," he says frantically, sitting up and looking down at me. "They'll deal with it. They'll move on. They'll be fine. It's just too soon for them to be okay, but they will be one day. Don't be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for."

I stare at him in disbelief. "Nothing? I have everything to be sorry for, Peeta. I shouldn't have killed you. I should've just let myself die. That'd be easier."

He scoffs. "For who? Not for me, Katniss. I can't deal with your death."

"And you think I can deal with yours?" I shriek, not caring if my family can hear me and think I'm crazy. I sit up. "I can't, Peeta. I can't. It's killing me every day, every night. I kill you, _willingly_. I could've ended it by killing myself, but no. I shot an arrow through your chest. I was there as you took your last breath. I'm alive and you're not and I'm the reason why you're not alive and I have to deal with that every single day in my life, every waking moment and even when I'm asleep, it haunts me every night. You said you can't deal with my death but do you ever think about me? About how I feel?"

"Katniss—"

"It's not easy, Peeta. It's not easy. You're not the one who's alive. You're not the one who has to deal with the nightmares. You're not the one who has to carry the guilt. It's not easy for me. Not at all," I whisper, letting the tears fall down my cheek. I bring my knees up and bury my face in it.

If Peeta was alive I would hear his heavy breathing by now, but he wasn't alive. He sits next to me, his body completely motionless.

"It's hard either way, Peeta. Whether it's you or me who's dead," I say hoarsely, shaking my head. "I might've killed the other tributes but it was for a reason. But I killed you… while you did no harm to me. That's what kills me the most; because you didn't deserve to die. You did nothing to me that made you deserve to be killed by my own hands."

I pull my head up from my knees and wipe my tears. My eyes are anywhere but on him. "Snow wants me to convince the whole country that killing you was the right thing to do. That I only hesitated because I was crazy in love with you. He wants me to put out the fire by letting everyone forget about you. I can't do that," my voice breaks.

I continue, "He doubts my love for you. He knows about the Hawthornes… and he saw Gale and I kissed."

For the first time after his silence, he speaks quietly, so quietly that I almost miss it. "You kissed Gale?"

I clench my jaw. "And the whole time I was thinking about you," I mutter under my breath, but he probably hears it. "You know what? Just leave me alone. For the night, for the week, forever, I don't care." Oh, but that's a lie. I do care if he's gone forever. "I can't—I can't look at you right now. I need to cool off my head and whatever. I just—" I swallow hard and sigh. "Just leave, Peeta. Go see your family."

He's looking at me intensely, but I close my eyes. My ears may have fooled me, but I hear him say softly. "Alright."

And when I open my eyes, Peeta's gone.

For the first time in a long time since Peeta "came back", I cry myself to sleep with no one to comfort me. And in my nightmare that night, Peeta drives his knife right into his own chest, and he bleeds to death as I watch with my unblinking eyes.

His blue eyes never leave mine until the very last breath he takes.

I wake up screaming to an empty bed, an empty room, and an empty heart.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Ah. The sweet smell of drama and… blood and roses. Leave me some reviews and pray for a quick update, alright? ;)**

**Anyway, the Victory Tour's coming up. What do you want to see/read/whatever during the tour? :)  
><strong>


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